Dana's eJournal

Me and the Ex

I had been doing pretty fine, at least I thought so, dealing with the breakup as of late. But then I started once again thinking of him, the ex. I dreamt of him a total of three times last night. In one of the dreams I kissed him. In others we were just doing things together. Then I emailed him, breaking my no contact rule. And going back on what I said about ending our friendship. I then started the email off by saying that I would like to talk to him. Yesterday I felt as if I missed spending time with him, and doing things with him, just hanging out with him and stuff. And I dreamt that I was doing that---wish fulfillment(?) and then I woke up wanting to talk to him. So later in the day, he obliges me, and IM's me. We talk, but I was afraid to see him in person for fear that I might be mean and snippy and sarcastic, or just sarcastic and not quite mean, but that it wouldn't be a comfortable situation. So I declined. But as I was walking past Social Sciences where he works, I stopped in to pee. And then I was like, nah, i won't go and see him, but in the end my curiousity and want of his company prevailed, and I went to see him. In the beginning it was awkward because he had all of his walls up. But after a while I had fun with him, and I think that he had fun too. We joked around and talked. But there is still some sexual tension. He touched my hair, I touched his, he sat close to me so that our knees were touching and I felt that same tingle that I felt before. And it sucks. It has dimmed a little. But it is still strong. The only reason I think it has dimmed at all is because I want it to, so that we can be friends, and I am ignoring a lot of the tingles and nervousness and all of that, and just being calm cool and collected. But I know that he felt the same thing by his reactions to me and the way that he acted. And then when we hugged we both had a lot of restraint. More than last time. But I still touched his hair, which was a no-no. I just patted him on the head quickly. But I was about to touch it. And I felt bad. I stopped myself. Then we parted ways. And I went the opposite direction and he went the opposite direction, but he looked back to see me when he was leaving. It is all so confusing feeling all of these things. But I know one thing, we are not supposed to be together. That I will stand by.

Confusingly yours,

Once Again

Dana

Posted by dana at February 19, 2003 08:22 PM