The closer it gets to graduation the crazier everyone gets. My eyes are red from crying now. I am so tired of everything and everyone. "Everything is everything and everything must die." That's what keeps ringing over and over in my head. I had the shittiest day in a while. I woke up with a pounding headache. My roommates boyfriend was still here for the third straight day. I went out to change and made jello for later and ate cheese and crackers. And then I took a shower. My vision was blurry and I had a headache from hell, and it was aching right behind my right eye. I then went to eat food and went to class. Class was boring and miserable. I did rather poorly but not as poorly on my french test, and then i went to see my (ex) "pseudo-" "boyfriend" as I had been calling him. Because we had supposedly gotten back together. I ask him if he can take me to the library at Manhattanville the college down the street and he says he will. So we go back to my house and have a quickie and then go to the library and he says "I don't feel like we're on the same page." And I'm like, "what" and then he preceeds to tell me that our relationship was only temporary until graduation and he thought we had agreed on that and blah blah blah, and he felt like he was giving me mixed messages and blah blah blah. And then I'm just like "ookay." And i go to get my book and we walk in silence and we get the book and he drives me back home. In the car he tells me that he wants to go out and see if he can make it by himself and see if he can maintain a job and a place and all this crap and do it alone. And I'm like, "everyone want's that." and he's like "well, this is how I want it." And I don't say anything else. But earlier before everything got sour I had asked him if he wanted some Jello because I had made jello. So when we get back to my place, he asks me if I still want him to have some Jello, and I'm like "sure, do you want to" and he says "why not?" And then we have jello.
So fine, we have jello and then we start talking. And he's like he thought I understood. Well, I guess I didn't. I surely didn't. Obviously. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I even care about him at all. I hate that I do this to myself, let myself get hurt by my own emotions. So I just started acting really wierd to him. Then at one point I just came clean about how I felt like he was washing his hands clean of me. I truly feel like I'm good enough to date in college, but in the real world I won't cut it for him. I didnt' say that, but I felt like that. But I said that I felt like he was washing his hands clean of me. And that I couldn't just turn off my emotions after graduation. Then he says "we can still be friends. I'll still be there for you Dane." and I'm like, "it's not the same." And it isn't. It is a big goodbye. What is the use of having a temporary relationship? None to me. I figured if we broke up it would be a gradual thing that involved time and circumstance, not me just cutting off my emotions on May 16th. But I am tired of all of this. I just want graduation to come and be over with and to see what the world is like and what is out there waiting for me. I am tired of being in limbo. And a temporary relationship is just another form of limbo. I don't know how I was expected to handle him all of a sudden being just a friend to me after we had been in a relationship for practically nine months. And nine months is a baby-step but it is a while. And I'm like how do i just turn a knob and cut myself off?
So I can't wait for May 16th. I will be in Brooklyn. I will be far away from this Westchester County boy and his bullshit, and I will be in another zone, doing things for Dana. And that's the way it should be. I know that even if we did not break up we wouldn't see much of each other, and maybe we would break up or maybe we would not but it would be left up to chance. Temporary relationship? How should that fly? I know that young men want to strike out on their own and make themselves. I want to do that too. Even though I'm not a young man. What I didn't understand about his statement about doing things for himself by himself was how I would be stopping him from doing that. I'm all the way in Brooklyn. I don't live with him. I wouldn't hardly even see him. I feel like its all about making himself and finding someone new to be with. Because he feels if he remakes himself, he will need a better girlfriend, and upgrade, and I'm not the right one baby, uh huh...to paraphrase Ray Charles. Ha Ha. So, that is my life right now. That is what has become of me.
My priorities are as follows. Get more tutoring for french. Send out more resumes for jobs. Finish my thesis and get the fuck out of college, and keep in touch with my true blue friends. Fuck everything else. Because what is the point?
I don't understand what type of impediment I am to his progress as a person when I am going to be in Brooklyn and he is going to be in West Bubble Fuck. Well fuck me then. I'm a woman, and I am just dragging him down. Thomas if you read this one, shout me a holla dawg. Seriously.
Meanwhile I just drank brandy and took sleeping pills.
Hope I wake up tomorrow.
I'm tired of all the bullshit.
Dana
Posted by dana at April 8, 2003 10:31 PMHEy girl wasup? you dunt need all this drama in your lyfe. You are smart and beautiful and you ex boi doesnt know what he is missing. So dunt stress it.. live your life happy and the way you want it to be. I'll be here for you.
Posted by: davin on April 9, 2003 10:05 PMThanks. Lets keep in touch.
Posted by: dana on April 9, 2003 10:06 PMDana:
Sorry it's taken so long to write. (Will send update via Hotmail.)
Whew! The plot thickens and someone forgot the saltines! If one assumes that all relationships are ALWAYS temporary, then this is NOT a lesson calling for brandy and Ambien.
Feeling "like we're not on the same page" indicates a certain fuzziness on the part of Mr. Stud. In which case, there is no further need for you to open "the book" ( aka your sexuality ) and allow him to "read" another chapter. His library card has now expired.
The "use" of a temporary relationship is much the same as a car rental. You're trying out a product for future consumption of a similar product.
Breaking up has no set time limit and no set of circumstances. Shit happens, when you least expect it. It did to me, it will to some poor love-sick puppy 1,000 years from now.
If Mr. Stud feels that he must set out on his own, I have no doubt that he is being genuine. Most people DO want this freedom and apparently he feels the two of you are getting, to some degree, too close for comfort (though he seems to like being close enough to get into your pants).
Temporary relationships are NOT so much another form of limbo, as they are another form of PURGATORY. That having been said, I have been in some T.R.s that have been quite amazing. I don't regret a single one.
Don't down yourself because of this type of relationship. You are who you are, Dana. Don't grade yourself on how you perceive someone ELSE as thinking of you.
Your priorities are exactly what you should be thinking about at this stage in your life. Relationships are low on the TO DO LIST. The "point" is that YOU are nearing graduation and the REAL real world. College is but one more stage on which to perform. Look for the bright footlights and to hell with all the hunchbacks hiding in the rafters.
Enuff said for one night.
Love,
Thomas
True. All true. It is ridiculous. I'm glad that it is over. And yes every one does want the freedom to breathe, even poor little I. I enjoy it. That was the reason I didn't understand. Because I feel like nothing takes my freedom away from me. Except me not enjoying it myself--barring I go to jail or something. I don't feel inhibited by relationships. But some people do. Thus, the problem. And no the sex wasn't inhibiting just the fast of what...I don't know. But sex is never a big deal to people when they simply don't want more. True? I agree that that is what he genuinely wants. I wrote that when I was being dramatic so it may not have seemed that way. But I felt like that. And I did drink and take sleeping pills...not to kill myself. Just to go to dream world. It's probably not a good idea though.
Dana
Posted by: Dana on April 15, 2003 10:45 AM