Hello, I am back from Spring "break," it was fun. My mom gave me some money to do things. I got a job for a couple of hours. I hung out with my boyfriend for three days. Yes, I said boyfriend. We are back together again for the moment. I don't know what will happen with this, when I admitted it to myself I wanted to kick myself in the head because of the stupidity of everything but it is fun so far. I chilled out and did a little reading for my senior project for the rest of the days and then went shopping for job interview clothes. On Saturday I went to the peace rally. Ev met me there at the rally, and we talked and caught up on the past couple days and then got some food here and there until he had to go back up to westchester. It was okay. The rally was disappointing. I expected to be more moved. Something about it seems so futile. But I am anti-war and I went in support of peace.
Dana
I went to my ex-boyfriends on Wednesday and ended up staying until Tuesday. We are not back together. But I had fun with him. Also I don't know if I can go to Spain. Now I think I am moving to Buffalo after graduation to stay with my uncle for a while. I have so much stuff I need to work out. I don't know what is happening with me quite yet.
At any rate, on Wednesday night, I went home, late with my exboyfriend. We just went home and had sex and went to sleep mostly. Because it was a long day. But in the morning he was supposed to take me back. But we had a snow day. So we stayed in. We were having fun anyway. That was last Thursday. So we stayed in and slept in, and cooked dinner, and watched movies, and played scrabble. All, good clean fun.
Then on Friday, he was going to take me back, but we got frisky and over slept and he had to pick up his check from work, and ended up not going, and I didn't have any class so I stayed over. And we cooked dinner, and we had drinks, and we went out to a bar, and played pool, and hung out for a bit.
Then on Saturday, he was supposed to bring me back again, but he was going to an engagement party for his friend, and I had been invited before we broke up, and no body knows really that we broke up, and he wanted me to come with him. And I was having fun so I was like cool. So we go to the engagement party for his friend Dan. It is cool. Dan is becoming a rabbi, he's 25, and he's marrying a girl he met at Yeshiva University. So they were all happy. And he gave a good speech for Dan, (he's known him since nursery school). And i'm invited to go with him to the wedding in August in Massachussets. But we will see what happens with that. Anyway, so we had toasts, and toasts, and I drank too much. But I was feeling good. So then we went home. And we made some hot tea, with honey. And did x-rated things with honey and then went upstairs, and got more acquainted with each other than before...(i'm trying to keep it clean). And we layed about and lounged about, and went to sleep and slept too late in the morning. That was Saturday.
So on Sunday he should bring me back. But he convinces me to stay again. I just like spending time with him anyway...and storing up my sexual reserves for Spring Break and beyond. So, it's all good and cool with me.
Monday he brings me back in the afternoon, and he goes to work, and etc. Then he wants me to come back with him after work. HE gets off at 7 and I tell him I need to watch a movie for class, The Commitments, I had an oral report to do on Irish Post-Colonial Literature about the use of blackness. by Roddy Doyle in his novel The Commitments as a model of universal oppression and it's use in his "re-invention" of Irishness. And I had to watch the movie for Tuesday's class. So he said he'd rent it for me, and we could watch it. I'm like "cool" and we go to blockbuster. He wanted to see that movie because he loves things that take place in Ireland, he likes hearing people speak with a brogue and a etc, and he's Irish, so he was into it. I was like hey, whatever. (Cause this is my UNited STates of Whatever!) And so we watched the movie and we slept and then we got up and went to class. Yesterday, was when he brought me back, and I did my presentation, and went to French and we played Scrabble online, and then he took me out to dinner.
Then he came back to my apartment and layed in my bed for a while, without me, and I looked for music on my computer. And he got sleepy and I walked him to the door and told him to drive safe.
And he tells me he loves me.
And I say I love you too.
Then I tell him "how come it takes you so long to realize you are a dick."
And he's like "I don't mind when you insult me cause I know you love me."
And that was our night.
Interesting.
Interesting week.
And it is nice that we are spending time together not hating each other that much.
Dana
I wrote some new poems...but they are experimental.
Glass Vase
Much of what I have done--
I regret--i hate that we
have fallen apart.
First Grade
Your chalk lines are gone
erased by tears and footsteps
the war is now won.
Gray Flannel Suit
you resist it's lures
but deep down inside you know
its what you want most.
Your daddy's shoes
You're growing into
his eyes--his walk--the tension
that lives inside him.
Love such a thing?
i slept in your arms for five days
skin to skin
end to end
full of
nerve endings
limbs bending
tactile sensations
my fingers spider-like
walking across your skin.
Today was a "blah blah blah" day. I really didn't feel up to anything. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and so totally negative. My ex invited me over to his house while his mom is out of town. It would be a romper room of sinful delights I suppose. But I'm not sure if I'm biting. I am tempted. But I think it would throw me for a loop so hard I might not be able to live with myself. I hate being places in secret that I used to go to in broad daylight. I'm going to tell him that. I'm not a secret whore...I'm a woman, and I don't like being kept in the closet. His mom loved me, I liked her, we used to talk, and still do and she told me that she wanted to see me, but he is making me avoid her like the plague. I don't know why. Well, I do know. Then he was talking about how he wants to lose weight. He is doing a lot of shit to himself to make himself more attractive to new girls and shit. And its cool. I told him that I am going to Spain. I seriously want to get out of the country for a while. I just have to wrangle up 200 dollars for the deposit and money for my passport. I seriously want to go some where, and do something with myself, and see new and exciting things. Ah, Spain. Maybe I'll meet some hot spanish guys, and take the train into Italy or France for a couple of weekends. I am scheming up on this so hard.
I would defer graduation until my return from Spain so I can get financial aid. :) Oh yeah! That is the move....I really want to see the Spanish country side. I want to get away.
I have so much randomness inside me...I really just want to relax, and be free, and just experience new things, and new people.
Dana
It makes no sense. I have flip flopped again about friends with benefits. I kind of want to ride it out---Hmm---yeah---ride it out until graduation and just not lose some things i'd be missing. It's probably the wrong decision. But I have needs that are not being met. And I guess I'd rather trust and know someone than just meet random people and bring them to my bed. God life sucks. There is just too much room for all kinds of messed up decisions and mistakes.
I let my sponsor read my poems. He gave me some good helpful hints about editing. I want to get one of my poems in the Literary Magazine. Hopefully I shall. I am totally inundated with work. Totally.
I am going to hammer out the rest of my plans later in the day. As far as FWB goes. We're going to talk about it. It's my power trip. I mean, the ball is totally in my court. I'm glad I feel like I"m taking the bull by the horns, and making heavy decisions. Even if they are wrong and hormone influenced.
Or are they? Am I wrong for wanting something physical? But both of us admitted that it is not purely physical--that there is attachment--that is the thing that can mess things up--but also make it feel less cheap and tawdry. I don't know what to feel.
Well I guess today I feel like I want to have fun and be young, and not think about the future for once. Am I allowed? And what does it entail?
Peace and Love
Dane
I need to do this and I can't. What the fuck is wrong with me? I keep setting myself up for falls. It hurts so bad. I want detachment. When can I find that?
Does that exist for me? I kept listening to Musiq Soulchild singing "Half Crazy" for most of the day. That song is ringing in my head now. How come he still called me "Dane" and how come he still called me "Babe?" How come he still held my hand, and kissed me on the lips, and stroked my face, and looked into my eyes like that? How come we couldn't just have dry detached sex and meet on weekends? Why is every thing an intense attachment?
I had embarked recently on a very sexual friendship with my ex. It went well for about a week. We had fun. But it confused my emotions too much to continue. I realized how much I cannot bear to picture him with anyone else, and how much I still love him, and would even have him back if it was possible. And that is a big sin. And it is stupid as fuck. So now I told him, I can't do this, It is not good for me. So he said that we will calm it down. or cool it down were some of the words that he used. And I said I think it's best. And he seemed to agree, while reiterating that the breakup will heal better and I'll get over him, and blah blah blah. But its hard to get over someone you are still fucking and still hanging out with and basically going out on dates with and sleeping with, and holding hands with in public. It is not a good look for anyone. And I told him that as long as we kept being in "limbo" like that, I would not be able to get over it, and might get too comfortable in the limbo and not take the chances I need to take to meet someone new and actually find what I really want. And we both agreed on that. And that was that. So, I"m glad that I said something when I began to get wierd about it. IT was not a good move for us.