It is the third day of Easter break. I read some poems today by Rexroth, Atwood and AI. Very good poems. They are posted on www.poetry.org
and I enjoyed them immensely. They inspired me. I wrote seven or eight poems.
Dana
Yesterday I slept most of the day. Because I was up until 4 in the morning the preceeding day. Then, I got up around 2 or 3 and went to get breakfast after my friends came over to drop off some of my stuff. They were still tired too. Then I went back to my room and took personality tests and chatted on line for a bit. Then after that----My roommate came home, and since I have been hella anti-social, I went back out again to the library. I need to be alone with my thoughts now-a-days. It helps me sort things out. So I went to library and chatted with my uncle and various friends about various things and my ex popped up on the AIM. So I said, "Evan?" And he was like "yeah. How was CultureShock." And I said it was good. Then I told him about it. And he was like "I really didn't feel like being down at Purchase at all." And I was like "that's good. you didn't have to. I'm glad you did what felt right for you." And then he's gone for like forever. And then he says "yeah."
And I'm like "well if you don't want to talk to me. Bye bye." and I close out the box. Then he disappears offline. So I removed him from my buddylist. I continued talking to other friends and things for a bit and then went home to go to bed. Then the phone rings, and it is him. And he is like "I didn't want you to think I just went off line without saying goodbye or anything. I was thinking about it and I thought you might have been starting to think that." and that he had gotten cut off. So I'm like "okay." "Yeah, I was starting to think that." And he doesn't know what else to say to me. And it is a quick conversation. It was wierd to me because I was just thinking about it and cursing him out in my head saying that he is not my friend anymore because that seemed like some really fucked up shit to do. And I wouldn't have been surprised if he had jumped off line because he is such a wierdo, and he is so temperamental and I never can tell if he is being mean to me or not online. So I was sick of it. And I had removed him from my buddylist. It was good of him to call to try to clear of the mistake.
That was odd though. I wonder why he cared so much. And he emailed me as well the same message. I guess he didn't want to totally burn bridges with me.
Well, that's cool.
Anyway. That was an odd random occurence and very unexpected.
My uncle was better this time in conversation. I was in a horrible mood the last time that I spoke to him. I couldn't take talking to anyone. But anyway...goodmorning everyone.
and Goodbye.
Day two of Culture Shock. I sat around and moped for a little while, because I saw all of these happy, kissy couples. I sat and watched people on the rides. And then after a while I hung out with Stephanie and Miriam. But then Miriam couldn't get into the Butler building for the concert (that's where it was,) and she went back home. The state troopers were acting extra cautious and wouldn't let her in because she had a Snapple. But anyway Ween was good. I had never heard them before. They played for about an hour. And then the mystery guests came on after a long, long, long wait. It was G.A.M.E and Dead Prez. It was some militant pro-black hip-hop. It was good, but I didn't agree with ALL of their message. I did think that all of it was appropriate. I enjoyed Culture Shock. It was a fun time had by all. I only wish I had better control of my wandering brain.
Today was the first day of Culture Shock. This is my last one. Culture Shock is a 2 day concert that they have at my college, for any new minds reading the ejournal. They have it every Spring semester. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is lame. This time, it was raining, and I wasn't drunk. And I also only had on a hoody jacket from old navy made out of cotton and I think I gave myself pneumonia.
But at any rate. The plan was to get drunk. But I got on rides that made me nauseaus. So then I just had two shots, and didn't get drunk. The concert was inside this time, so it was hot and crowded. And I wanted to kill people by bludgeoning them to death with my umbrella. And then this Punk band came on called World Inferno Friendship Society. They sounded good but I got caught in a Mosh Pit. It allowed me to take out some of my anger but then it got tiresome. I kept seeing all these huggy kissy couples. I missed kissing. I miss kissing. But anyways. Some of the bands were good. The first ones. And World Inferno sounded good but I was with unreceptive company. My friend thinks I just have a white boy fetish, but I do not, and she doesn't like Punk music, and i was with her, so i left with her. And she and some of her friends played pranks on people. I really wanted to be home curled up in my bed dreaming.
I dreamt about Yale last night. And it was very pleasant. I must still have a place for it in my heart. I guess there is room for a lot of things in my heart.
This girl, as a side note, a cute girl, with short hair, I think she's part hispanic and part something else, came up and was dancing on me while I sat in my chair trying to relax. She grinded up on my thighs and was dancing sexy in front of me and then kissed me. Not on the lips. But it was an aside worth mentioning. But I didn't get any type of aroused feeling out of it. It was just odd. I didn't know what to do really. She said "this is just for you." And I'm like "..." What to say really? I figured she was drunk.
I saw this boy that I thought looked just like my ex from the back. It was freaking me out. It was a little cute chubby white boy with a baseball cap and a gray shirt with the letter thirteen on the back. I thought it was my Evs., or my ex-Evs, but it was not. Oh well.
Any hoo, life is life. I hope I don't have pneumonia. And I hope I get drunk tomorrow.
The closer it gets to graduation the crazier everyone gets. My eyes are red from crying now. I am so tired of everything and everyone. "Everything is everything and everything must die." That's what keeps ringing over and over in my head. I had the shittiest day in a while. I woke up with a pounding headache. My roommates boyfriend was still here for the third straight day. I went out to change and made jello for later and ate cheese and crackers. And then I took a shower. My vision was blurry and I had a headache from hell, and it was aching right behind my right eye. I then went to eat food and went to class. Class was boring and miserable. I did rather poorly but not as poorly on my french test, and then i went to see my (ex) "pseudo-" "boyfriend" as I had been calling him. Because we had supposedly gotten back together. I ask him if he can take me to the library at Manhattanville the college down the street and he says he will. So we go back to my house and have a quickie and then go to the library and he says "I don't feel like we're on the same page." And I'm like, "what" and then he preceeds to tell me that our relationship was only temporary until graduation and he thought we had agreed on that and blah blah blah, and he felt like he was giving me mixed messages and blah blah blah. And then I'm just like "ookay." And i go to get my book and we walk in silence and we get the book and he drives me back home. In the car he tells me that he wants to go out and see if he can make it by himself and see if he can maintain a job and a place and all this crap and do it alone. And I'm like, "everyone want's that." and he's like "well, this is how I want it." And I don't say anything else. But earlier before everything got sour I had asked him if he wanted some Jello because I had made jello. So when we get back to my place, he asks me if I still want him to have some Jello, and I'm like "sure, do you want to" and he says "why not?" And then we have jello.
So fine, we have jello and then we start talking. And he's like he thought I understood. Well, I guess I didn't. I surely didn't. Obviously. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I even care about him at all. I hate that I do this to myself, let myself get hurt by my own emotions. So I just started acting really wierd to him. Then at one point I just came clean about how I felt like he was washing his hands clean of me. I truly feel like I'm good enough to date in college, but in the real world I won't cut it for him. I didnt' say that, but I felt like that. But I said that I felt like he was washing his hands clean of me. And that I couldn't just turn off my emotions after graduation. Then he says "we can still be friends. I'll still be there for you Dane." and I'm like, "it's not the same." And it isn't. It is a big goodbye. What is the use of having a temporary relationship? None to me. I figured if we broke up it would be a gradual thing that involved time and circumstance, not me just cutting off my emotions on May 16th. But I am tired of all of this. I just want graduation to come and be over with and to see what the world is like and what is out there waiting for me. I am tired of being in limbo. And a temporary relationship is just another form of limbo. I don't know how I was expected to handle him all of a sudden being just a friend to me after we had been in a relationship for practically nine months. And nine months is a baby-step but it is a while. And I'm like how do i just turn a knob and cut myself off?
So I can't wait for May 16th. I will be in Brooklyn. I will be far away from this Westchester County boy and his bullshit, and I will be in another zone, doing things for Dana. And that's the way it should be. I know that even if we did not break up we wouldn't see much of each other, and maybe we would break up or maybe we would not but it would be left up to chance. Temporary relationship? How should that fly? I know that young men want to strike out on their own and make themselves. I want to do that too. Even though I'm not a young man. What I didn't understand about his statement about doing things for himself by himself was how I would be stopping him from doing that. I'm all the way in Brooklyn. I don't live with him. I wouldn't hardly even see him. I feel like its all about making himself and finding someone new to be with. Because he feels if he remakes himself, he will need a better girlfriend, and upgrade, and I'm not the right one baby, uh huh...to paraphrase Ray Charles. Ha Ha. So, that is my life right now. That is what has become of me.
My priorities are as follows. Get more tutoring for french. Send out more resumes for jobs. Finish my thesis and get the fuck out of college, and keep in touch with my true blue friends. Fuck everything else. Because what is the point?
I don't understand what type of impediment I am to his progress as a person when I am going to be in Brooklyn and he is going to be in West Bubble Fuck. Well fuck me then. I'm a woman, and I am just dragging him down. Thomas if you read this one, shout me a holla dawg. Seriously.
Meanwhile I just drank brandy and took sleeping pills.
Hope I wake up tomorrow.
I'm tired of all the bullshit.
Dana
It has been a long time since I have put in very consistent entries. I have been especially busy doing some work. I have a new job and I am also still working on my senior thesis. It is getting down the wire. And I got a tutor for french that I see every week. So, that is what is going on with me so far. I guess that things will be okay. I hope that I find a job soon. And then everything will fall into place...I hope. I go through so many changes.