Ok, having finished off my nightly pot of coffee, I should be ready for bed. I tried, I really did, but I am not in the least bit tired. So, in true Caffeinated Insomniac style, I present to you another random musing.
I've been thinking a lot about gung fu lately. Last year, one of my resolutions was to "earn my yellow sash and be well on my way toward testing for my blue sash". Well, I accomplished the measurable piece- I got my yellow. There's even an entry in here about it. But I'm not so sure about the second half. My instructors seem generally pleased with my progress, and last time Sijo Mims was in town (early last month), he seemed really impressed with me. The problem is, I'm not in the least impressed with myself right now.
Much like most things educational, I have a knack for gung fu. That triggers my natural impulse to be a lazy little slug, but unlike school, gung fu deserves better from me. If I had been putting the same effort into gung fu since I got back into it as I did when I first started, I would have at least my red sash by now. I might even be the first female black sash instead of just being the most likely.
I know part of the problem is Adam. Not in the usual sense that he gives me issues, but just that he was an integral part of gung fu for me. When the three of us started out together, Tom had a slight advantage. He was the first to take any gung fu, but took time off, so we all wound up seriously starting it together. I was constantly pushing myself to keep up with Adam, and trying to be better than him. (What can I say, I'm a competitive bitch) We were a triumvirate. We worked out together at least twice a week, plus class. And we kept that up until I had to drop out while I was pregnant.
Now, I'm back in, and Tom's back in, but Adam's not. He says he doesn't have the time and financial resources right now. I know it's nothing I can change, but it sucks! Without someone besides Tom to work out against, it's just too easy to slack off. And I have been slacking off way too much. I haven't worked out outside of class in god knows how long, and we don't have class every week. More often than not, we don't. So I've got myself stuck purpetually as a yellow sash. And I really need to decide, I think, whether I really want to do gung fu.
I enjoy it. I love it when I'm practicing, and I like the sense of security it gives me. So why do I allow myself to skip out? I feel bad about it, but that's obviously not enough. I could try taking some time off and see if that helps, but really, I already have been. It's just made me more confused. I know that the main reason I want my blue sash is to keep ranking up. I want to be the first female black sash, and I know Sijo wants me to be. He told me last visit that I was his most likely disciple, and I know I'm one of his favorites to boot. So, if I want the respect that comes from ranking up, and I enjoy the exercises, why in the hell don't I do them?!!!!! I wish I had some answer that would satisfy me, but I just don't. It's like the diet. I want to go back on it. It worked very well. I want to lose more weight. Should be simple. Easy choice. And yet, I don't. Sometimes I really get pissed off with myself. But of course, that too takes more willpower than I apparently have to maintain. Oh well, I'll figure it out... eventually.