I feel strangely peaceful. Not that the level of peace in and of itself is odd, but just that with everything going on right now in the world and in my life, I would expect to feel more unsettled. Oh well, probably better to just enjoy it than dwell or try to analyze the feeling to death.
OK, I've been staring at the page now for 15 minutes trying to figure out how to say what I want to without analyzing, and it's not happening. So, on with a small analysis.
I talked to my boss a couple days ago to tell her next week will be my last one with the company. She took it really well, made me promise to let her know when I have the baby and all those minor details (like a name, since we still haven't decided). She said if I ever wanted a recommendation, just let her know, and she'll miss working with me. All in all, it feels like a good break- much better than when I left CC.
Since quitting my job means I won't be needing anyone to watch Will for a while, I'm eliminating the m-i-l factor completely for a couple weeks. She's watching him tonight since we're celebrating our anniversary early, and I think tuesday (my last day of work). After that, I don't have to put up with her for a while. I'm still figuring out what the new ground rules will be once I have the baby, but there will be new rules. I'm not putting up with her like this again.
(In case you can't tell from the slightly raised levels of bitterness, she managed to piss me off yet again, badly enough that I vented a lot to Tom about it, but that's a whole other entry for when I'm no longer feeling peaceful.)
The bittersweet aspect of quitting is that I'm 99.999% sure I'll be going back to work full-time (or a lot closer to full-time). I'm not worried about finding a job- I've been getting offers from several companies trying to get me to hire on after I have the baby. I am kinda bummed that I won't get to stay home with her all the time, but that's the same way it was with Will. I need to look into baby-sitting options, but I'm actually looking forward to that. I don't want Theresa watching my kids. I can see a very large fight looming over this one, but at this point, I'm ready for it.
Tom's leaving early tuesday morning for Pennsylvania for 2 weeks. He'll be out of town over our anniversary, and get back a week before I'm induced. I think I should feel upset or nervous, but honestly, I just feel kinda relieved. I know I'm getting bitchier the closer I get to delivering. It's not every day, but it is often enough that it bugs me. With Tom away, I won't be getting pissy about little shit like laundry on the floor. I'm not nervous that I'll go into labor before he gets back- I'll still be right at 2 weeks before my official due date. Besides, if it happens, I'll deal. Yeah, right.
I've even got 2 goals to accomplish while Tom's in PA.
1: Clean the entire house.
2: Finish my second novel. I'm taking a break from editting the first one for now. The second one's been getting into my head a lot lately, so I'm going to try to write it. It'll be a nice break from the sheer agony (not to mention ego-shattering of epic proportions) of editting. Hey, I wrote my first novel in a month, why not my second in 2 weeks? And as a bonus, I've already got an outline and a couple chapters written of this one.
OK, so maybe the goals aren't the most realistic things ever written, but then again, maybe they are. The house isn't in very bad shape right now- it just needs a little reorganizing of munchkin toys and weeding through stuff. If I can manage that, I might throw some stuff on Ebay and see how it goes.
As for the novel, I'm not going to let myself quit sleeping over it. I'll just work on it while I can, like when Will's napping or watching a show. If I don't get the whole thing done, oh well. Anything I get will be more than I have. For some reason, I haven't been writing lately. I've been editting, but I'm starting to slack off. I think I'm just getting too discouraged by the whole process, so I'm going back to writing. No big suprise that I'm getting bummed about editting. I've always had confidence in my writing. I've always turned in first drafts of papers and gotten A's (with 2 exceptions where the teachers required at least 2 drafts). I very very rarely edit. I proof-read, I spell-check. I do not tear apart an entire damn novel word by word asking "how can I make this not suck?". Oh well, I can honestly say, I think it is improving, slowly but surely. Bottom line: I am more stubborn than my writing. Eventually, I will have a novel that is worth publishing. The question is whether I'll have any hair left at that point.
So that's about it. Feeling so strangely peaceful that I had to write a novella to explain it. (Oh well, at least it's writing.) Then again, maybe I didn't need the analysis. Maybe the best explanation is that I know I've still got a lot to do, some stuff to settle, and I probably don't have as much time as I would like to get it all done. But that's OK. I'll just do what I can, and take it day by day, and enjoy the peace and relaxation.
Posted by Jenn at September 3, 2005 02:24 PM