Random Musings of a Caffeinated Insomniac

NaNo Prep

I'm getting more and more excited. It's almost here. It's almost time for the insane writing orgy known as NaNoWriMo. I keep trying to tell myself to take it easy this year and not sweat about hitting the 50K mark- that with 2 kids, the younger of whom is barely a month old, I'm absolutely nuts to even think about it. But the truth is, I know I'm going to do it. I'm going to push to break 50K, and I'm hoping to come in well above there. As far as the latter though, I'll be happy with 50K. Really. I think. Oh hell, who am I trying to kid- I won't be happy until the book's done, whether that's 50K in a month or 100K- but at least I won't be in withdrawl from NaNo-crack.
I've got a ridiculous amount of notes taken for this thing. I've even got a couple of very badly drawn maps. The hardest part of plotting out my novel so far has been not starting to write the damn thing yet. I think Tom's resigned himself to the fact that I'm going to do it, or at least that I'm not going to be sleeping much during the night either way, so I might as well do it. The coffee's laid in (2 kinds of regular for variety, plus my esspresso for when I need a cappuccino to go with my coffee), my outline and notes are ready, and I've read 3 books in as many days to reaffirm what good writing is. Hopefully some of that will make its way in amongst the drivel that will soon be spewing from my keyboard. Here's hoping!

It's 4am- do you know where my husband is?

OK, OK, so it's actually 3:30 or 4:30, depending if you've set you clocks back or not. It averages to 4, and 4 just sounds better. Well, for anyone curious (or just bored enough to be reading this), the hubby is over at poker night with Marc, and has been since about 11:45 (pre-setback). I meanwhile, have been enjoying a blissfully relaxing- and desperately needed- bit of peace and quiet. The kids are asleep, the cats are behaving for all appearances, and I got to spend over an hour turning the bathroom into my own personal spa. Heaven. The water was warm, the book was excellent, and the coffee was better than any herbal tea you're likely to find at a real spa. Thanks to a few packets of body scrubs, masks, and lotions, I feel all tingly and relaxed. Ah, life is good...

Hahaha, and the guys think Tom's lucky to have such an easygoing wife who lets him go to poker night any time he asks.

Wow

I found a funny website called sleepinginairports.com, and while perusing the rating for the Cincinnati airport, I came across a little gem that struck even me as slightly blasphemous. The reviewer was a Delta crew person who was working stand-by, and so had to sleep at the airport. Her advice? The chapel. "The pews are a liitle short but better than the floor. There is usually a prayer rug to cover up with if you get desperate."
Somehow, I think even I would balk at using a prayer rug as a blanket. Besides, it can't be too comfortable...

And this story just sounds like something Nick would do. It's about the Lexington, KY airport, so I was suspicious, but it was actually signed...
March 2005 - Actually living in Lexington less than 5 minutes from the airport, having flown out of the airport many times, I decided it would be fun to spend the night. I arrived at 9:30pm and staked out my spot in the main hall ner the display cases at what I refer to as the "Business" section, since the TV there is always on CNN/FN, which is right near the bathrooms and the vending machines. I brought some bed sheets to put on the armless cushioned "benches" but having discovered they were replaced by couches, I immediately crapped myself, thinking this will be just like home. The Cafe and gift shop closed at 10pm and as the activity started to wind down, the last announcement was made around 10:30pm. I began to set up my bed, flipped the TV over to the local news, set my alarm and went to bed. My alarm went off at 6am and the airport was just beginning to come to life for the morning flights. The first announcement of the day was made shortly after I woke up and surprisingly I got a solid 7 hours of uninterupted sleep. As I suspected, the airport is almost as good as a hotel. Security did not bother me at all, however they did ask what I was doing. I gave them a bogus story and they went about their business."

Of course, they say things (good or bad) come in threes, so here's the third (and possibly funniest) thing I learned on sleepinginairports.com- Hooters Air. That's right- Hooters (the restraunt of choice for horny straight guys who aren't getting any) has an airline.

Just another day in the loony bin

Well, Emmy had her latest dr.'s appointment today. The good news is she's up to 8lbs 15 oz. The bad news is she got a shot and has been ultra-grouchy ever since. It took me nearly 2 hours to get a cup of coffee- not to make the coffee, just to get it in the cup after it was brewed. Will decided yesterday to express his desire for more attention by not using the toilet. For anything (let's just say clean-up was gut wrenching). Add to that a cat that's developed a taste for bread and has twice now jumped up onto the fridge to chew through the wrapper to get to the bread (I swear, I do feed the useless thing), and it's been an interesting few days. Finally, add prepping for NaNoWriMo into the mix (this damn story will not get out of my head! it keeps going "write me, write me!" Thwack! upside the head. "Write me now, dammit!") and I'm feeling certifiable.

The plus side to this is that I'm at least getting ideas to further develop my next (wow, 3rd) novel. Good on one hand; on the other- scary.

New Mom... Again

It's funny how many things change when you have another baby. It's not just the obvious- getting your first kid used to the new one, etc. It's the things that change in your parenting style from one to the next. The main thing I've changed on this time around is where I'm willing to breastfeed at. When Will was a baby, I rarely nursed him in public- I can only think of one time when we weren't secluded away, and that was in my car in an empty area of a parking lot. Up until a few days ago, I wasn't planning on changing that. Then came the first grocery trip when I had to bring the kids.

About 10 minutes into the shopping, Emily woke up and started crying for food- nevermind that she had just eaten less than an hour before. I tried holding her, but it quickly became aparent that I had 3 choices:
1- leave the store and hope she'd be more co-operative next time.
2- listen to her cry for the entire trip while imagining that I was the worst parent alive for starving my baby. -or-
3- feed the kid in the store.
So we sat down in the comfy-ish chairs by the closed pharmacy since the area was pretty well empty, and I breastfed her in the grocery store. A little awkward at first, but uneventful aside from a little spit-up.
Since then, I have nursed Emily in 2 parking lots (the library and Walgreens), and a Marion's Pizza bathroom. The bathroom wasn't great, but it was away from anyone else (especially the m-i-l), so Emmy was able to calm down. Honestly? I don't remember why I felt like it was a big deal before. Of course, having a small child overly attached to my chest for like 3 years before may have had an effect. (lol)
I did happen across a fortuitous article on one of the parenting sites a couple days ago. It confirmed that breastfeeding in public is a legal right in all 50 states, although still recommended discretion. Duh. After all, if I'm holding the baby, I don't have a free hand to collect cash, and I'm not performing for free
:-D

Of course, some things don't change about being a new parent. I'm consistently drinking 1-2 full pots of coffee per 24 hour period, plus at least one large mug a day of chai tea. On the plus side, Emily is starting to develop a consistent schedule. Occassionally, I can even get both kids to nap at the same time during the day and sneak an extra hour that way. And at least I can slightly work on novelling when I'm up during the night with Em, give or take being able to type coherently.

And as a final, random note, my son is either certifiably insane, or a pathalogical neat freak. He's currently talking in his sleep- asking if he can please vaccum. All I know is, he doesn't get it from me... at least not being a neat freak.

Good to Know

There are 2 things I've noticed tonight:
1) The m-i-l is just as annoying as ever, if not more so.
We all went out to dinner tonight, and at first it was OK- tolerable, if not fun. At the very least, better than an unanesthetized root canal. But once we finished eating, she just had to wake up the baby to hold her. Then, she kept messing with her until she started fussing- the whole time acting like it's just hilarious. And what brilliant thing does she ask while holding a fussing/ half crying infant? If the kid's breathing is normal, because "it seemed fast" and was "moving her whole body". Words fail me.

2) When nursing at the computer, there are only so many hands of solitaire I can play. Hence the current proliferation of entries here. I suspect further dissertations on the minutia of my life to be forthcoming. Unless of course I move on to sketching out the novel for next month...

C&C part 2: strange coincidences

Throughout my life, I've noticed that I attract coincidences. Either that, or I'm semi-charmed. Smaller things, especially those that will help people I care about, happen if I wish for them. Not right away, but eventually, things seem to get better, at least somewhat. Most people would probably say that's because problems usually get solved. I can't argue that. And obviously, I don't get everything I wish for or I would be a multi-millionaire with several published best-sellers. Like I said, semi-charmed. Probably, my wishing and praying did nothing besides make me feel better about a situation I couldn't think of another way to help. But there are times when it really seems like I did help.
Talking with Adam last thursday, he told me about last summer- what he calls his "summer of darkness". It had been a while in coming- I talked to him around New Year's, and he was getting down (that was the conversation that prompted part of "Night for Smoking"), but summer 2005 was when everything came to a head. The pertinent part here was that when he tried to meditate, his "happy place" had been destroyed- he couldn't use it to ground and center. The turning point came when he was "loaned" someone else's sanctuary- specifically, I think it was mine.
His description sounded verbatim like my temple, down to tiny but deeply personal touches. I didn't mention it to Adam when he was telling me about it, because it just seemed too odd; too intimate. I've never described my meditation sanctuary in detail to anyone, and certainly not with the details that he knew. I remember that during the summer I had a hard time finding my sanctuary when I meditated, but that happens to me from time to time- I have a secondary place I go instead. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now? The only explanation I can think of is when I prayed last winter after that conversation. I wanted to help his heart heal if I could, but I knew there was nothing I could do directly. Giving him my sanctuary was exactly what he needed, when he most needed it, and despite the opening of this entry, I just can't chalk the details up to coincidence.

The other odd little cycle I noticed while reading one of Adam's recent blog entries about finding his animal spirit guide. A few years ago, when he was searching, he had a dream about a dragon. He described the dragon to me and asked my opinion, and I told him it sounded from the coloring like a chaos dragon. Back then, he disagreed, and I doubt that he even remembers the incident now, but looking back I think I was right. Ironic that after the rapid change a chaos dragon causes, Adam finally found that his spirit animal is a turtle.

I could keep talking about some of the other cycles and coincidences I've been noticing in the overall world, but I don't think I could stomach politics on top of 2 pots of coffee, so we'll save that for another time.

Circles and Cycles (part 1)

I suppose I could just as easily titled this entry "Adam's back", but C&C just seemed to fit better, especially given that this entry is likely to be a bit loopy too. The condensed version is that Grandmaster Mimms, the Sijo (founder) of my Gung Fu association was in town the weekend before last. Even though we didn't have time (nor in my case, medical clearance) to work out with him, we managed to get together for karaoke, at which point I found out that Adam was coming back to gung fu- cool on many levels.
Adam and I started gung fu together. Tom had already learned some of the basics, but we were all pretty much on the same level. Twice a week, the 3 of us exercised together at LQ. Sundays were class- sometimes we were the only ones in the class, other times there was a whole large group of us, but we were always together in it. We pushed each other, helped each other, kept each other going- our triumvirate was gung fu to me. And then Adam left. That was 3 years ago.

Since then, I've had 2 kids, written a (very bad) novel, and mostly stuck with gung fu, but it hasn't been the same. I still enjoyed it, but it felt like something was missing, especially after David left the class and it was just Tom and me, plus our instructors. Adam lost the girl he left gung fu for, although they had 2 years together before she broke his heart. He explains it best in his blog, "Three years ago I left something I loved, for someone I loved, and to grow mentally, explore my spirituality, and to expand my mind. Well, I lost that person I loved, I destroyed myself mentally, I confined my mind, and I've strengthened my spirituality." [more quoted in the extended entry] I can't say I was sorry when they broke up, because it felt a lot like he left me for her, but I am sad that it hurt him so deeply. Ironically, my husband is the one whose reaction to Adam leaving I know the least about. Tom never really seemed to mind the change that much, but it was also right around the birth of our son.

Fast forward to last thursday, when Adam came over for his first workout with Tom. (Back to the old routine- twice a week, plus classes. I'll be joining them after I get medical clearance from my OB.) We were all talking during and afterward, catching up on each other, especially Adam catching me up on his life, since Tom had still been seeing him regularly at LQ. Most of our conversation was about the cycles our lives take, pulling us away from certain things and people, only to push us back together later. I noticed a long time ago that I seem to come into people's lives when I'm needed, and we often drift apart once I'm not. The same seems true for the people I meet. I could go off onto a very long tangent about friends and friendship in general, but I'll spare us all, at least for now :-)
There's more I want to say about what I learned from Adam, but that will have to be a second entry- otherwise, this will get too convoluted to make any sense. At this point, I'm wondering what new cycle I'm beginning. I have a new daughter, I'm about to begin a new novel- one that will hopefully prove more cooperative than my first. I'm also about to start up gung fu again, after several months away, and I've had an old friend come back into my life. Will it be a new cycle, a re-emergence of an old cycle, or something in between? And what will it be replacing?

Three years ago I left something I loved, for someone I loved, and to grow mentally, explore my spirituality, and to expand my mind. Well, I lost that person I loved, I destroyed myself mentally, I confined my mind, and I've strengthened my spirituality. Only one thing did i succeed in on the surface over these past three years. My spirituality. But as I examine the others I realize, I learned how emotions control, consume, and can at times destroy. Ive learned how to focus my mind fully on a topic, subject, or goal. AND I know now that destiny and fate have a different plan for my love life that involves me in a relationship Isolation for a time being. So i guess it was better to loose one, so that I didnt push her away in these months to come. Because I would have.
I try to teach my students that things arent always as they appear on the surface. In order to strengthen my spirituality I had to face horrible obsticles. IN order to expand my mind I had to confine it, in order to grow mentally I had to destroy myself mentally. I walked away from three of my living mentors, an art of disciplin that brought me 3 years ago everythign I had that truelly mattered, and most importantly of all. I see the importance of all of it now."

May the unspoken be with you, may faith guide you, and my hope light your fire.

Adam

Strange Website From a Strange Person

Wow, and here I thought I would be more likely to die of a massive caffeine overdose. (Or at the very least a new coffee-induced cancer.) But it's official- verified by the irrefutable wisdom of www.thedeathpsychich.com (courtesy of my friend Adam, who's [popped back into my life lately- but more on that later). For no good reason other than the site is slightly addictive at odd hours of the night/morning, here are the potential ways I shall die, depending on what version of my name I'm using:

You are bitten while tormenting a sickly-looking squirrel. You die from rabies days later.

In a case of mistaken identity, you are shot to death by the mob.

During a severe storm, a tree falls onto your house, crushing and killing you.

While drunk with friends, you fall down a flight of stairs and break your neck. Thinking you've simply passed out, your friends ignore your lifeless body for hours.

While driving, you look down to dial your cell phone. Failing to watch the road ahead of you, your speeding vehicle crashes into an overturned fuel tanker, causing a massive explosion which turns you into human kibble.

While at a concert, a bomb threat is called in, and you're trampled to death as people stampede from the stadium.

While in a public restroom, you slip on a wet floor and crack your skull open on the edge of a toilet. Your lifeless body isn't noticed for several days.

A disgruntled employee in a sporting goods store beats you to death with a hockey stick.

A crazed man in a hardware store fatally attacks you with a pitchfork.

While having fun with fireworks, an M-80 blows up in your hand. You die from massive blood loss.

Too bad I didn't bother to keep track of which death went with which name... Oh well. Maybe I'll just stick with the caffeine induced theory- it sounds less painful than death by squirrel or pitchfork.

Flake

Writer- one who writes.
I feel like a flake. A fraud. I can't decide whether to be annoyed with myself, disgusted, or to just chalk this up to pre-nano psychosis. The problem? I don't write enough. Not a day goes by that I don't think about writing, and most days I'm researching some aspect of writing, either the craft or business sides, but I haven't been writing lately. The closest I've come is editing my first novel and plotting out my second (unrelated) novel. Every day I tell myself I'm going to sit down and write for a bit. I'm not picky- half an hour while the kids are asleep would be a great start. Heck, 5 minutes while the kids are asleep would be a great start. But what do I do? Anything else I can find to do. I am pathetic. I think that's why I'm looking forward to nano so much. Even though I know my chances of finishing this year are slim to none, it is so much easier to make myself sit and write if I have a specific outside goal. Having thousands of other people who I will never knowingly meet attempting the same feat of insanity does more to get me writing than any personal goal ever has. Now to figure out what to do for the other 11 months... Sigh.

So there's the problem. As fun as it is to joke about procrastinating with Nick, it really does bug me that I don't just sit down and write. I could understand if I didn't enjoy writing, but I do. I love to write, I love to get ideas for stories and weave them through to the end. I'm happiest when I've sat down and gotten words onto paper (or at least a Word document). I think part of the reason is that there always seems to be something else to do, either chores around the house or checking email (which almost always turns into BSing online) or spending time with the family. That's the mindset I have to get out of. There will always be something else I could be doing, and often stuff that I need to be doing. I just need to stop procrastinating over what I want to be doing.

Profound Little Cookie

I found a fortune cookie in my kitchen just now that I had forgotten was there. I think I had saved it for Tom, but since it was still there... The fortune inside was surprisingly profound, especially for a mass produced dessert.

"Success is being at peace within yourself"

Simple, elegant, and true. Sure, there are plenty of people who would argue that success has to involve wealth and a high-paying job, and maybe for some of those people it does. We all have our own ambitions, our own interests, and our own causes. Maybe what brings peace to one person is having money, whether for whatever they wish to buy or just to keep their family taken care of. Maybe for another person, peace is doing everything in their power to correct an injustice. Nothing is right for everyone. What is success to you?

It's that time again...

That's right- it's time to sign up and get prepping for NaNoWriMo! Or at least, it would be if they hadn't had to take their servers offline due to heavy sign-ups this year. Heartier servers (and hence, sign-ups) are supposed to be up and running soon. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my first home-brewed cup of coffee in about 9 months or more- it's been so long, I don't remember. The good news is that I haven't lost my touch. After all, without coffee, there can be no NaNo. Now if I can just block out the fact that I'm still editing last year's NaNo POS... They aren't kidding when they call it "laughably awful and lengthy prose".