The Hope Balance

For some reason, I feel qualified and able to give advice. I was talking to a friend of mine, a lesbian freshman here at WSU, and I she was frustrated that she hasn’t found a girlfriend candidate. And I commented: “Its a delicate balance, you have to hope but not too much.”

Hell, I should attempt to follow my own advice. As much as I know that its very self destructive to start planning my the future with someone I’m dating, its just a matter of when is it safe to stop living in the moment and the now with someone and start dreaming?

I know part of the desire I have for a boyfriend, is that I want the stability. I want to be able to come home, and if I have a shitty day, not have to spend time looking for someone online to chat with and decompress, or journal about it, but just sit down with him and talk it over. And I want to build something with him… well not something, a life. I want to have kids, go on a romantic vacation, and care for him when he’s sick. Oh and cuddle…

Hmm… guess its like everything else, I wanna go for the end and getting there is something to be figured out. I know I’ll like the journey, but the goal is important, and unfortunately dating isn’t something you can map out on a sheet of paper like a programming project, or a paper. Perhaps thats why I have so much trouble, I really wanna skip the beginning and just get to the end.

Okay I’ve been avoiding writing about this, but it keeps coming up. I miss Shawn. I don’t feel a desire to blame him, or defame him, but I just want him in my life. But the question is, do I want him in my life because of the fact that he fulfills my above dream, or do I really want him? I can still honestly say both.

I like him for who he is, not for what he does for me, albeit his mantra “Its all about you.”

I just hope lightening strikes twice.