Embarassed
Okay, I cry to television and movies every once in a while. Every once in a RARE while. But never to Star Trek until now….
From Star Trek: Voyager "The Disease":
Captain Janeway: You’ve got 30 seconds before I have Tuvok drag you to sickbay.
Ensign Kim: Captain I am not sick! I didn’t disobey orders because I’m under some alien influence, I disobeyed your orders because Tal and I are in love, and its not right for you to keep us apart.
Janeway: You listen to yourself. You don’t sound anything like the Harry Kim I know.
Kim: Good I have served this ship for five years and said “yes ma’am” to every one of your orders but not this time.
Janeway: Your willing to risk your rank your career over this?
Kim: Have you ever been in love captain?
Janeway: Your point?
Kim: Did your skin ever flush when you were near another person? Did your stomach ever feel like someone hallowed it out with a knife when you were apart? Did your throat ever swell when you realized it over? Seven of Nine told me Seven of Nine told me loves like a disease, well maybe it is. Pheromones, endorphins, chemicals in our blood, changing our responses, physical discomfort, but anyway you look at its still love.
Janeway: For the sake of argument lets say your right, your feelings for Tal are no different than mine for … What? the man I was engaged to marry. Well I lost him and your going to lose Tal. You know that. What the Doctor is offering you is a way to ease the pain.
Kim: That man you were going to marry if you could’ve just taken a hypo-spray to make yourself stop loving him so that it didn’t hurt so much when you were away from him would you have done that?
(A disruption takes them away to the bridge.)
I know I wouldn’t have taken that hypo-spray.
I’ve also been reading Shawn’s eJournal. Despite the fact that I swore off him or so I thought, I never really stopped reading his eJournal. I’m still stuck hoping. I likely am going to see him this weekend at the 2003 Midwest BLGTA College Conference. I don’t want to scare him away. But I just read his entry Life has been odd lately…, and I’m stuck with the impression that I took advantage of someone who was down. I knew from almost the beginning that he had just lost his mother, but he seemed to be dealing with it pretty well, so I didn’t give it much thought. I felt that if he wanted to bring it up he would, and I had no right to pry. I’m just not sure if I’m a weed. (Sigh)
I know I wanna make a second try at this, I just do. But is it worth the pain a second time? Plus, it isn’t my decision. I know I cannot make this decision, I’ve decided my half of it, and I’m doing my best to leave the door open if he decides that he wants to be with me.