Shitting is not an Olympic Sport

The body is an amazingly finicky machine. its amazing with all the quarks it has that we’re able to get through a day without having some major malfunction that puts us out of commission.

I was competing in the College Marathon then sleeping on Saturday. I went to bed at the perfectly normal (for third shift) time of noon and woke up at 3 AM sunday morning. (Missed all the partying! Damn!)

Finding nothing better to do I moseyed over to my desk and got on the Internet. this woke up not only my eyes, hands, and brain, but also my often neglected but oh so important (and often extremely pleasurable) colon. so I told the friend I was chatting with that I would be back in a bit, and made the journey to the sacred porcelain throne.

At first I graced the throne with my presence, but none of my pork remnant would allow themselves to be divested from my organ village.

During the past fifteen hours the first two pigs gave up their search for straw and sticks as they could find none in either the large or small Norad Ink Testing Centers. (You know the place where they test pens and printers for the officers to use in a biological attack.) As a result they joined in with their older brother Che Micali (I ate Middle Eastern food the night before.) With all the labor and the dehydratory nature of the Ink Testing Center they made a water reduced time and heat hardened carbon based structure, that was designed to withstand a massive contraction of Cheyenne Mountain.

So I sat down and not assuming the swine built superstructure I was expecting the usual post rest defecation process. I gave the usual squeeze but nothing moved, again I squeezed, but still nothing. Next I braced myself and gave it my full heave ho, still nothing.

I of course wasn’t prepared for such a monumental effort so borrowing some techniques from Olympic athletes, I moved into a metatative state and visualized the three swine’s structure leaving the Ink Testing Center. With this visual in mind, I gave it my best Olympic Winning/Guinness World Record/Emmy Award Winning/Tony Statuette Awarded/Stanley Cup Worthy/Emasculated Oscar Statuette winning effort and like a woman having a easy birth I bore down, gave it my best masculine sustained grunt and with all my force I pushed the carbon superstructure out of the Ink Testing Center.

But unfortunately the superstructure ended up rupturing the red transport liquid storage vesicles. Of course my only knowledge of this was an educated guess because the liquid was clinging to the superstructure as well as being on the white perforated cleansing material.

I spent a moment recovering from this record shattering event, then dethroned myself to examine the superstructure.

What I saw was a structure resembling the Great Wall of china, a majestic structure, but all together cobbled together incoherently and without care of beauty, but able to withstand the stresses of my Ink Testing Center and even perhaps the mighty communal branched networked waste disposal and processing network. But, unfortunately not even I have the Inktestinal fortitude to track shit through that system.

Tune in next entry where we explore the exploits of PEN15 and his trusty junior sidekick PEN1.5