Love
I just spent an hour talking with a dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless. He is someone who has been around at WSU for quite a while, starting out here as a student, and now working here.
He is someone who deeply believes in true romantic love that will last between two men for an incredible period of time.
He doesn’t date anymore.
This has always been a very mysterious thing to me. He is a wonderfully adjusted person, professional, and has a great personality.
I asked him why he didn’t date anymore, and he laid bare a part of his soul to me. It was an amazing gesture to me and something that I am extremely grateful for him having done.
He told me about a short but wonderful relationship he had with someone who then had to move away. He loved him enough that it hurt him, but not enough to ask him to stay.
He cried for two weeks after that.
He’s tried dating after that , but he doesn’t anymore.
Love is an amazingly powerful thing.
He is now committed, or content with being alone, and single. He no longer sees himself within the next 1, 5, or 10 years falling in love with a man who loves and cares for him with every fiber of his being.
His favorite poem (from his website) is:
If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again
I shall not live in vainby Emily Dickinson
I was about ready to cry then, and I’m about ready to cry now. I’m not someone who cries often in response to stories, but this is the simplest told story that has brought me to tears.
I’m stuck contrasting this with Shawn’s and my relationship. And questioning exactly why he won’t let me say that I love him. Strangely enough it took Jenni and I nine year to get to the point of saying "I love you". Both relationships feel the same, just Shawn and I lack shared experiences to reminice about, but I feel the same for Shawn as I do for Jenni.
I know I will fustrate Shawn by saying this, and that a relationship that is only three weeks old should not evoke this level of committment and emotion from me, but I do love Shawn, and even when we must part (as we will be forced to either by choice, or by death) that I will still love him, and cherish the time that I have been allowed to have with him.
The word love sounds petty and taudry, and I know that at times it is fleeting.
What a crazy concept this love thing is. It is so deeply personal, and customized, that it only has meaning between two people who have discussed, philosophized and dreamed about what it means. I honestly am not sure what it means between me and Shawn, but I know what it means between me and Jenni, and me and my family.
My friend and I also talked about men who seek sex in the bathroom and random encounters. As someone who has experienced random loveless sex, and sex filled with love the two are incompariable. You cannot satisfy the need for the latter by doing the former. And damn society and those who have blocked, have attempted to block, and will continue to attempt to block gay men seeking the latter, but then critize us when they unfortunatly have to engage in the former.
I feel robbed and screwed and otherwise violated by society that I had to go through the former in search of the latter. Sex never should happen without love, there is no point in it. I never want anyone else to have to go through the need to reafffirm that they are normal and natural that I and millions of other gay people have had to do. This is why I am involved with Lambda, as much as its fun to piss of the conservatives, and do everything else with Lambda, I never want another gay teenager to have to be told that they are normal, and natural. I want that to be a non-issue, so they are free to date, seek love, and go to the prom with the man of their teenage dreams.
This all feels so weighty and forceful brought on by my conversation with my friend, but I feel justified in saying this. I think much of what I’ve said is a philosophy that I’ve really developed over the past several years.
Got your take? Leave me a comment…..