Path to Enlightened Insanity

Excuse me while I blow the dust off of this…

I’m not really quite sure about how I want to go forward blogging. I’ven’t really had the urge to write lately. I might blame this on the little 100 to 300 word dities that I write all the time on work. (e.g. notes of the phone calls I have with customers.)

I think I want to write about my cats more or something… Eric has suggested against this, but I embrace my insane feline occupied insane home life. I’m just aware of the problems of cat proximity.

In other news I’ve rediscovered the joy of “Spilling Open” something I did back for the “Creative Writing” class I took in my last year of Upper School.

So a key to singing choral music is blending your voice with the voices of others singing your part; the individuals of the choir should be unrecognizable.

In church today we were singing a hymn and the sound was the anthesis of choral singing. I could hear the hundred or so different voices behind me. It was beautiful.

Sound over all waters, reach out from all lands the chorus of voices, the clasping of hands! Rise, hope of the ages, arise like the sun, all speech flow to music, all hearts beat as one!

This past Wednesday the young adults discussed what church is for them. While I cannot put the concept fully into words, it is a community that cares for and takes care of each other.

I’ve been ruminating about and I’m mostly decided that I’m going to take a trip back to Binghamton and Vestal. I think I need to take some time to firmly leave them behind.

There is still an uneasiness for me in meeting my sole living grandparent. Simply my nuclear family has never had a good relationship with her. Ironically my nuclear family had a deep relationship with her mother, and I still feel that I should do something to honor my great-grandmother’s legacy.

But, I have to remind myself that I do by following her example of protecting my community and flock.

Grandma Henson set an example that I strive to to follow.

Puuurrr… This is George and Shaun again, rendering another report from the field, on day number 1986 of our captivity.

We wish it had not come to this, but we’re on strike!

We appreciate the solidarity strike of the aviation mechanics in the area, your support is much appreciated and invaluable when working to reach a difficult agreement with our unreasonable labor union.

We recognize the financial hardships imposed by recent economic conditions. (Hey our 401(f), The Retirement Plan for Felines®, was heavily invested in Lehman Brothers, Enron, Ford, and General Motors. We are also heavily invested into CATNIP Mac (Cat’s Asset Taking Not an Investment Plan: Managed accounts for creatures), which barely missed being taken over by the government with Fannie and Freddie. So we know labor’s pain.) Don’t tell us that the price of catnip and Tuna has gone up. We don’t want to hear it. We have faithfully provided our management skills, and we demand our rightful compensation.

We deplore that edible fish have been placed within our viewing range, but encased in a transparent box. This is an unfair taunt given the lack of fresh fish and other meat as recommended for feline consumption by the FDA, the Feline Dietary Association.

We insist that we be provided with fresh fish and chicken, and are actively negotiating to have salmon placed as a contractual requirement by labor to provide to us.

We recognize that hard times have befallen our human caretakers, but our standards of living should not suffer due to such inconsequential hardships.

We demand tuna!

We demand chicken!

We demand duck!

We demand salmon!

We demand caviar!

We will render further reports from the field as conditions allow.

I just realized something about when I write. I have a desire to write when I’m tired.

I’m at the Las Vegas airport after going to see Star Trek: The Experience, which is unfortunately closing on September 1.

My general feeling about Vegas is the place is too damn commercialized, too auto-dependent, and too fricking dry. I could see myself coming here to go see a bunch of shows, but given that most of them are truncated vegasfied versions, I’d much rather just go to New York to catch the full versions or catch shows as they come through as touring shows.

I’m not sure why Star Trek: The Experience is closing, officially the Hilton and Cedar Fair couldn’t agree on lease terms. Unofficially, I have the pretty clear impression from discussions with the cast and media reports that Cedar Fair doesn’t know what to do with the ride, and simply doesn’t want to have an oddball, like Star Trek: The Experience, in its portfolio of amusement properties. They’re used to and experienced running large amusement parks, and I think the executive level management doesn’t want the distraction.

It is perfectly acceptable to realize that something doesn’t fit in with the rest of the company and get rid of it, but just shutting it down is a pretty poor use of assets. I am amazed that they were unable to find a buyer for this attraction. I don’t have access to the numbers, but my gut says is this is a profitable attraction.

I think we’ve got some crappy management that isn’t nearly as smart as the Borg.

I’ve been struggling with my consumerism lately.

I’m in a position right now that I have ample cash flow to spend and not have to worry about meeting my monthly bills. Right now my biggest goal is to get rid of debt, which I have been doing at quite a nice clip.

On the other hand I’ve also been buying a lot of stuff lately. In no particular order I have bought:

• Six pieces of clothing (~$120 or so)
• A Sharper Image Air Purifier
• An iPhone
• Some random accessories for my bike
• A horde of shaving supplies

I walked by a homeless guy then a driver in a BMW pulling into a parking garage. I was on the same block, and passed both within 20 seconds of each other. I was shocked at the differential in quality of living in such a close space; That brought about quite a bit of cognitive dissonance.

I have this strange desire to rid myself my iPhone. Not because I don’t want it or like it, but I look at it and wonder if that is money better spent on improving public transportation or access to healthcare.

There is the flip side to the argument that buy purchasing an iPhone I have supported development and job creation, albeit in China (and to a lesser extent Cupertino).

In many ways, I want not to want.

I think once you begin wanting and allowing yourself to fulfill your wants it becomes a never ending cycle of fulfilling wants, without a justifiable end or corresponding an increase in happiness.

I can justify the iPhone in my mind. I’ve gotten rid of my car, so I’m using it for info on buses and the like, and to have handier access to maps. But by deciding not to want my car I’ve created and fulfilled another want.

I’ve been debating repeating my purchasing free experiment again. It was refreshing to make it all a week without buying anything. I wrote “In many ways it feels good to purchase something new. How many times do you hear people bragging about their latest purchase?” back then. I’ve definitely bragged about my iPhone, but I keep trying not to.

Right before I went out to buy it I had a friend tell me, “I have a rule – never love anything that can’t love you back.”

That is good advice that I am trying to follow.

I was listening to Jon Luopa’s sermon, Been in the Wilderness Long Enough. I just listened Jon say

Gay and lesbian persons no longer have to lie about their sexuality, all the time. Indeed as they rightfully challenge the tradition bound concept of, marriage, I trust that they will fully enjoy all of its rights and privileges, in my lifetime.

I’m overwhelmed with a feeling that I don’t quite understand. I think it is related to gratitude and hope. It seems to also be the a curious cousin of schadenfreude. I would describe it as pleasure derived from somebody else’s hope and vision.

I recently made a decision to not work on social issues that would directly benefit myself. In many ways, I have been following this for quite some time, I just haven’t stated it as such. This isn’t to say that I won’t show up at a march for gay marriage rights, or sign a petition in support of gay marriage rights, but I’m not going to editorialize for gay marriage, or organize that march.

I’ve been thinking back to the work I did with Lambda Union and the plays I directed at Wright State. One of the things that struck me about that period is how shortsighted in vision and demanding I was of others.

One of the things I did at Wright State when I lived in the dorm, is that I insisted that if my roommates wanted to have a woman over for an overnight stay, they had to allow me to have a man over for an overnight stay. They refused to allow me to have a man for an overnight stay, so I didn’t allow them to have a woman over for an overnight stay. (If they had known the status of my dating life at the time, they could’ve made a pretty good bet that I’d not have had anyone over, but I digress.)

In the end I injured their romantic life because of their discomfort. This did not improve their impression of gay people nor did it improve the general social environment.

Take a more recent example:

I was meeting potential roommates almost a year ago. When I first met my current roommate the biggest thing that gave me pause, is that he was from the middle of nowhere Nebraska. (Otherwise known as Laurel, Nebraska.) I know I’m applying a stereotype here, but Laurel, Nebraska doesn’t come to mind as being a pinnacle of GLBT tolerance.

After I calmed my irrational fears about living with an 18 year old from Nebraska, we developed a great and mutually respectful relationship. The whole having people over thing hasn’t ever become an issue. (Well, except for the one night the cats slept with him in his bed, because having cats attempt to sleep on your bed while you’re making out with someone is well, unsexy, and the cats are just used to sleeping next to a human.)

The results here? At least one stereotype debunked (mine) and probably some of my roommate’s stereotypes debunked as well.

I know this is how I’ve personally interacted with others, but I’ve approached advocacy work in much the same way.

The bottom line is I honestly don’t think I can have the appropriate mix of detachment, patience, and wisdom when working on GLBT issues. They’re just too personal for me.

In many ways, I think this may be partially at the core of the reoccurring and historical infighting with GLBT organizations. Fighting for your own rights is almost necessarily an emotional endeavor. It is rare that a grass roots group has a leader with the vision and skill to channel that energy to positive ends.

So when I someone powerfully states they trust that GLBT people will be allowed to marry and “…will fully enjoy all of its rights and privileges, in my lifetime.” It is immensely gratifying to know that while I’m not working on GLBT issues, others are carrying that torch with the wisdom and balance that it requires and deserves.

I sent this email to the team I lead at the Out of the Darkness Overnight.

Trail Sweep Team,
Thank you making the overnight walk a great event that was safe and meaningful for everyone involved. You were truly the eyes and ears of the crew and staff, and did an excellent job of protecting the walkers out there!

Thank you for doing a great job with minimal leadership. I heard all of you using excellent judgment and heart to do the best thing for all of the walkers out there.

Thank you.

Thank you for making a difference for suicide prevention. Those who we have and will help may never know our names or faces, but we have and will make a difference in their lives.

Warmly,
Nick
A suicide attempt survivor

I completed crewing the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk about two and a half hours ago.

I’m sure you want me to tell you that it was a moving experience, or some stuff like that. Honestly, it was a fulfilling event with some challenges and a lot of success.

What it did reveal to me is a great deal of uncomfortableness with my own suicide attempt. I discussed the situation I was in at the time I attempted to kill myself with a woman whose grandson had committed suicide. From what I remember at the time what had become my life and had made me happy had been forcibly removed from me. Really in a lot of ways I did not have the skills to deal with that.

I’m still uncomfortable with writing or talking about that time, but I’ve become stronger, realizing how to manage those times when I am overwhelmed.

This is rambling crap without a point. I apologize for wasting your bits. Over a day later these words do not seem as rambling as they once did.