Path to Enlightened Insanity

Whats this all about?

I’m second guessing the hell out of myself right now, but I’m wondering why I didn’t stay at Purchase College? or go to Binghamton College..

I’m just wondering how life could be different and full. Nothing seems to fill me, to give me purpose. I feel like I’m going through the motions.

I’ve not been doing too well in managing my depression.. that much should be evident by now. I really need to work out more often or something. I just can never seem to push myself to do it.

The romantic life has picked up somehow, but ultimately that doesn’t quite seem to improve anything.

I feel that I have purpose at work, but when it comes to other things, say school or home life, or personal life they all just feel empty…

I hate this feeling.

I’ve had two shitty days in a row.

I don’t know what or why I’m angry, but I just am. I want to break something. anything you name it I’ll break it, as long as it won’t cost me money…

I’m always confused if that special someone is out there..

Oh, I quit YADA today.. I’m just tired, and I don’t have anymore to give, and I don’t feel like anyone else in the group is willing to give, and pull their weight.

Ok, quickly I started a new blog to support tracking of what I’m doing — a way of seeing if I’m working towards goals

Its called: Did I get shit done today? or dIgSdT? for short.

G’night.
October 31, 2006 — I decided since this "blog" had exactly one entry, it was time to re-evaulate what I was doing, and I’m going to put this thing in Excel, as I suggested. So I’m junking it, and repurposing the blog installation for other uses.

For the record, the only blog entry on dIgSdT? was posted on May 03, 2006 at 01:27 AM and read as follows:

This is my first entry to the new blog. Read it now because likely it’ll disappear..

The goal here is to provide a quick way to put down what I’ve gotten done today — its a way of tracking my goals.. (any problem can either be solved with excel or a blog..)

So today:
Worked out: No
Got my to do list done: Yes
Crapped: Yes

Physically (I feel): Good, achy back
Mentally (I feel): good, but a bit daunted
Emotionally (I feel): content. here.

An author once said (and I like to butcher this quote of hers) ‘I kept waiting for my life to begin, I’d always think, if I get over this one item I can start living my life. Then I realized that these struggles were my life, and I was living it.” I butchered that worse than last time.. At least I’m making progress…

Okay. So I had my first counseling session last night. Now one of the things I said was I’m wanting to move out of Cincinnati. (this should not be news)
I’m curious how much of a metaphor that is. I threw out two possible cities, Denver and Seattle. Now the thing is when I think of Denver I think of a great physically active life, and when I think of Seattle I think of a great social life.

The thing is realistically moving to Seattle or Denver isn’t going to fix one of these things overnight, it might make them easier, but I’m buying into the grass is greener on the other side of the fence fallacy. I need to forget about the grass (besides it is a weed), better yet, fuck the grass. (Okay or don’t fuck the grass, I’m not going to be dictating personal sexual preferences here.) Okay but seriously. The grass is greener theory is fundamentally making a comparison to an unknown. I don’t want to get stuck into the trap of comparing myself to the Joneses, I don’t feel any need to keep up with them, fuck the Joneses (Well especially if he is cute..)

Okay so I need to get off to work. Although it does feel good blogging again, something coherent. (sort of.)

Why do I always want the guy I can’t have?

So I’ve got a crush on Anthony Rapp. Sigh, yeah he’s in a relationship for three years, in another city, and eight years older than me…. Oh yeah, he’s famous too. Yeah he even has a myspace page. So hows that for fueling that somehow he might be accessible? Hell I had the CEO of a Fortune 1000 company email me at 2:07 in the morning, so why not a broadway actor? Aren’t they sort of in the same league?

So, lets get a little less sky high, and a bit closer to ground level. So I’m also attracted to Brock… Yeah, last I checked he was dating and somehow unavailable. And yeah like he’d be interested in me..

I’ve got a crappy self image right now eh? I usually ask people not to kick me, because it’s likely that I’ve already kicked myself harder and meaner than they have. It makes it hard to get hurt, if you’ve already kicked the shit out of yourself, how is someone else going to do it?

It also means that I have to be careful to balance that out. I’ve never really been able to blot out negative self talk, but I’ve also not focused myself on doing that, I prefer just to balance it with positive self talk, or at least deconstructing my negative self criticisms, to take the sting out of them.

I’m still trying to figure out how to live alone. I mean not alone, but without any other humans in my house. Well I’m personifying the boys more and more, Its amazing the cuddling we’ll get in. It feels so valuable and good to be cuddling with them. (Which happens on average 4.242 seconds after I sit or lie down.) On the other side, I’m cuddling with cats, it somehow seems well pathetic, almost like I’m using them as a substitute for a boyfriend to cuddle with while I’m single.

Cuddling, I want to go to a cuddle party. I want to have physical intimacy without having sexual intimacy.

I think another part of what really annoys me about living alone, is I’m stuck in my head, and stuck alone to maintain the place. There is no help, no partnership no sharing. (I mean the boys partner by making sure I have something to clean up, last time I had a roommate like that I told him to get the hell out.)

There is this guy at Starbucks that I’m attracted to. I just have to find the cohnes to actually flirt with him. Hell its annoyingly ironic that I actually manage to flirt with girls without even really trying. Its sad, I’ve had my straight friends scold me for flirting with a girl, and I don’t even realize it. But when I want to flirt with someone, I’m a fucking witless scaredy cat. (no offense boys)

I skipped work yesterday, I just honestly did not feel like tackling the world, I did not want to deal with anything.

I went to work today. I actually felt well, annoyed for not coming in. I forget how supportive and family-like my department in Banana-land is. Sometimes I just wish we lived together.

I think another thing that’s bugging me about work which I just need to get over is that I feel threatened by the new hires (both the co-ops and the permanent hires). I enjoyed being the young hot-shot. It was fun. But, I’ve got to make the transition to being a consistent team member, I don’t always have to turn in something spectacular, in fact the things I think are spectacular, are often not seen as such by others, and the things that I think are mundane others think are spectacular. I still cannot get over the moment in an interview with my (former) supervisor where he had to ask the question “Name a time when you went above and beyond what was expected of you.” I was really unable to answer the question, whereas he had a cornucopia of answers to fill the question.

Ack, enough random meandering about… its time for bed.. g’night.

Okay, well I spent far too much time tonight rewriting my personal ad. I’m actually kinda proud of it.. So without further adieu I give you, the new improved personal ad!

I’m a bit of an odd one and I like it that way. I work full time, go to school part time, and raise two cats full time. (Or I am raised by two cats, depends who you ask.)

I’m looking for an LTR, or at least something not just about physical attractions. I’m also interested in finding some new friends in the Cincinnati area. The guys I’ve been most attracted to are really beautiful inside, there never was anything that made them look special, its just they knew who they were, and their personality that counted.

I work in the fruit business as a Logistics Coordinator, which means I spend all day talking to truckers, and looking at the data that truckers create for me. It sounds boring, but its a lot of fun and its always something different. I’ve got a background in just about everything. I have read Quantum physics for fun, and I’ll read the back of a milk carton to find something interesting. I love the beauty of logical systems. I’ve been a food server, restaurant manager, telemarketer, credit card collector. I’ve been a phone line for deaf people, and I’ve read books into tape for blind people.

I also have a background in theatre, I’ve produced plays, directed plays, written plays, even acted in plays. I’ve only worked on one movie though. (Not kidding.) Now adays though I only see plays.

I like to try new things and challenges for the sake of the challenge. I once took a vacation only taking public transit from the time I left my door till the time I got back home at my door. I went for my Spring Break in Denver and took up snow shoeing despite that I wasn’t really in the shape for it. My boss is trying to get me to go hang gliding. (and I think I might go, just so I can tell him to “go jump off a cliff”.)

Movie wise I’m always looking for something different. I want to find the movie that pushes a limit, or does something different. I’ve recently discovered I’ve got a taste for clever horror, among my favorites there are Saw, Saw II, Cube, and Cube Zero. (Cube Zero is the best of the series IMO) I’m a fan of Charlie Kaufman; I think Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is simply brilliant, and Adaptation and Being John Malkovich are really enjoyable movies. Despite all this high minded cerebal stuff, I enjoy a good action movie, the X-Men series, and Spiderman series are great. You’ll also catch me wading my way through gay themed material in my Netflix Queue, as well as general dramas.

I’m a homebody, and an individualist but I enjoy spending some quality time with people. You’ll see me out for coffee, or enjoying dinner with a friend. I’m a blogger and have kept my blog, Path to Enlightened Insanity via Defacted Musings, up since 2003. I started dating a guy and he had a blog, and it pushed me to start mine. I’ve kept writing mine, although he’s stopped. Blogging is one of those ways that I work out my world and use to understand the world, and myself. Its been really cool being able to see myself grow by looking at and reading my blog.

What am I looking for in someone? You’ve gotta be able to hold a conversation. You must respect yourself. You need to believe that you should grow, and seek growth. You gotta be willing to admit your faults, and either commit yourself to fixing them, or deciding not to let them bother you. Its great if your a UU, like to study stocicism or buddism. But, honestly as long as you’re willing to respect others beliefs I’m fine with that.

Well, this quite possibily is the longest personal ad I’ve ever written. So, now is the time friends to pull up your keyboard and write a response. Remember it takes your message to continue the relationship you’ve begun by reading all the way to the bottom, don’t let the photons your staring at now go to waste!

Bump… I just hit a bump in the road. Depression recovery has been going quite well more or less. Papers that were once over due are still over due.. New papers are overdue… Thats more or less it.

no its not.
hell I had this idea when I was working out yesterday that I should write an entry titled about wanting to cuddle and dry hump and make out with a guy. Its nice when I wake up with a cat who has been cuddling with me, or if we’re engaging in heavy petting. (hell, these cats sometimes engage in foreplay, if we were both of the same species we’d be well into fucking… but alas I digress…)

I’ve been debating inviting a straight friend to the GLSEN Prom. I mean I went with Jenni whos straight to both of my in school proms, so why not round out the whole thing and go with a straight boy? I dunno.. I’m just not sure what response I’ll get.

Ah here comes a cat in search of some quality cuddling.. he of course has to start off by methodically probing my stomach and reminding me that I’ve got too much of a spare tire.. little bitch..

Oh demanding bitch, thats the new new name for my car that just got almost 2k worth of repairs..

I’ve been wanting to go to a cuddle party. I just want to cuddle and have fun at it.

work is good.

Okay I covered it all and the feline is demanding attention.

Its so painfully ironic when you find someone who you’d like and would like to perhaps settle down with but cannot for reasons that are trivial and enormous.

I want to love him openly and honestly, but I don’t dare for fear of pushing him away.

Love can conquer all?