Path to Enlightened Insanity

Re: Leaving Identity Issues to Other Folks

What does a 24 year old white gay man have with in common with a 50 year old black woman?

Every time I listen to this essay I’m brought to tears. Not bawling morning tears, but tears of camaraderie and recognition.

Phyllis moves through the history of African-American (or Black, or Negro, or brown) identity politics. Then comes to the conclusion “I believe that I’m free to be whoever I choose to be.”

I’m at a loss for why this is dramatic for me, but I’ve come to despise the identity politics of being gay, but at the same time I practice them.

I want to be 15 years down the road (or in Canada now) where no one thinks too much about my identity beyond “Nick” (or “Mr. Barnard” or “Dad”).

I’m angry at people killing each other to make a point.

I’m angry at governments killing people to make a point.

I’m angry at people allowing themselves to be intimidated and bated into terrorism.

I’m angry at politicians who are too scared to stand on principle.

I’m angry at citizens who would rather live in the safety of a virtual prison than in the freedom of a city street.

I’m angry at myself because I am too demoralized to fight for my angers.

The neutral first: I’ve reworked the CSS and a few graphics for my website. I find it really interesting to see where it has been: The Earliest surviving incarnation, known as the list and scribble period, The Black and Grey, I’m over utilizing an MT CSS sheet period, The Black and Blue, the MT CSS sheet, in blue, and The Dark Blue and Black, without any MT CSS influences. Now we’re at Black, Light Blue and Orange. Should be fun.

The good second: I’ve accepted a promotion at work. It promises to be an interesting time at work, and I know lots of changes are coming down the pipe.

The bad third: The other internal candidate, a friend and co-worker, who applied for the position I accepted is being let go.

This is one of those intellectual emotional disconnects for me. On an intellectual level I understand the strategy that necessitated letting my friend go. On the emotional level I’m angered, annoyed, and frustrated via proxy. My friend executed his position well he just didn’t quite have the polish, nor the political savvy.

There is a part of me that feels a bit guilty for being the one with the position, I’ve been with the company about half the time that my friend has, but I’m the one going full time. The other part of me knows that I took the application and interviewing process much more seriously than my friend.

There are a whole bunch of similarities in this situation to the situations I went through in January 2003. I played a different set of parts in that melodrama than I do now, but the feelings are similar. I feel a bit guilty, hurt by proxy, and frustrated with “the system”.

I know things will turn out well for my friend. The crap that I went through in January 2003 put me on the course I’m on now. In hindsight, January 2003 was the beginning of a period that forced me to grow; But that period really really sucked while I was in it, but it is really important and helpful for me now. Since then, I’ve taken a huge number of risks and for the most part they’ve paid off. But, I had to be shooed out of the nest to begin with.

I just realized today (Sunday) that my trip is over half done with. Its downhill from here. So far it has been wonderful, I really, really enjoyed NextFest and I am already wanting to plan for next year in New York City.

I’ve also been playing with the idea of individualism. It’s a discussion topic I want to use when I lead YADAs bi-monthy discussion next week. (yikes!) I honestly believe that if I had taken almost anyone else along on this trip it would’ve had a completely different character and would not have been as relaxing for me. Don’t get me wrong there are a few people who would’ve made things just as relaxing, but I also really enjoy being able to follow my whims. Tonight, I went out and walked about Millennium and Centennial parks, meandering about the crowds and enjoying the architecture. Not something I’d expect someone else to want to follow along with.

Up for tomorrow is the Museum of Science and Industry along with a multitude of unknowns.

Goodnight from Chicago, Illinois!

I visited the Adler Planetarium today. First comment: Ick too many kids.

One of the things I realized is astronomy is the art of seeing the forest via the floor of the forest. Its gotta be tedious and interesting work looking at spectrograph lines, mathematic formulas, time charts, and star charts. Astronomy, like many sciences, is about extrapolating the little details into a big picture. But unlike many sciences where you can observe the results of the little details relationship to the big picture, astronomy doesn’t have the luxury of seeing the whole picture.

If you think about it, it is amazing scientists have come up with the big bang theory. Its something like determining what I ate for lunch last week by looking at my crap. The results are twisted and distorted from the original act, so you have to figure out what the little pieces mean, and extrapolate to the big picture.

In completely other news, I’m really enjoying staying at the hostel. There is an American Library Association meeting in town and all of the roommates in my suite are from there. We’ve had a bunch of little interesting conversations and I’m enjoying getting to know the others in the group.

There is one thing I despise about big cities: the beggars. Its not that I don’t understand and feel their frustrations with their situation and their unanswered calls for help; it is that I understand and feel their frustrations with their situation and their calls for help.

The problem is that I have helped some of these beggars out at times and I’ve gotten screwed. This coupled with the fact that I’m not a millionaire with a hole burning in my pockets I’ve had to take the principled stance that I will not help any beggars.

I just passed this 40ish woman on the corner of Michigan Ave and Madison St and her cries just hit me. I wanted to do something, but I fell back on the “I’m not helping any beggars” line.

I feel like shit for doing that.

One of my goals is to leave things better than I found them and that includes humankind. I know I cannot fix everything. But, I don’t want to have to bend every line but the flip side is protecting myself. I do not want to be a selfish bastard, but how can I make sure that don’t become someone who needs help while helping others?

I’m such a dork.

I’m in Chicago and the first destination I go for? The Apple store on North Michigan Avenue. Admittedly This is because I set a goal of visiting the SoHo store when I was in NYC and I didn’t meet it.

All I have to say is the glass staircase is really really cool. Although the Shinsaibashi’s spiral staircase kicks even more ass.

Oh and it is nice to get your homework for your web class done.

I’m always amazed on how little sleep I can be refreshed on. I got a little over two hours and I’m a wide awake bird. I know I’m a little tired, but I’m not tired enough now to be able to get to sleep.

Last I checked we’re probably on schedule to arrive about 11:30 CST or so, about 50 minutes late, which isn’t bad given that this train has been running a little later and later every stop it goes to. Our pickup in Cincinnati was almost two hours late.

In other news I think most people aren’t qualified to ride Amtrak. Amtrak is nice, but it takes patience. You’re going to get on the train and then wait. Thats just the fact of the matter or any transit system for that matter.

Steps two, three, four, five, and six complete. I’m waiting and catching up on homework now.

I set an odd goal for my Chicago vacation. I’m going to take public transit from my doorstep to Chicago back to my doorstep. No cars, no taxis, no horse drawn carriages. Only busses, trains and my feet.

So tonight looks like this:

1. 10:22pm get rear to curb to wait for bus.
2. 10:29pm Take route 8 arrives six minutes late. I board in Covington, KY
3. 10:34pm bus arrives in Cincinnati, OH
4. Kill time at Starbucks (now)
5. 11:10 board Metro #1
6. Get off at Union Station/Meseum Center at 11:19.
7. Kill time
8. Wait until 4:07 and board Amtrak route 51 for Chicago.
9. Arrive 11 AM CST at Chicago’s Union Station

This is the beginning, so step one is complete.