Path to Enlightened Insanity

Someone probably tried to kill me tonight. I’m stuck on this thought at the moment.

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I was driving home from Dayton on I-75 around 2:30 AM or so when I got into a protracted fight on the road with another car.

After a series of repeated on the road altercations I refused to continue on with the road fight and pulled over expecting the other driver to continue on, as I figured he wasn’t going for something else, just a piss off fight on the road.

Instead he stopped in the right lane and got out of his car. Upon seeing this I accelerated and left the scene, nearly missing hitting him with my car. As I was doing this my back window was struck and shattered.

Our on the road altercation continued for another few moments at which point he pulled off on exit 29.

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Initially I focused on the facts, but trying to sleep I’ve come to my conclusions on the man’s intention: to kill me.

I figure at some point initially it was just an on the road tiff until he noticed my bumper-stickers. (For the record I have a total of six, artfully arranged. I have two John Kerry stickers in either lower corner of the bumper, in the middle of the bumper I have an HRC equal symbol sticker, in the center of the rear, above the license plate I have a rainbow pride squiggly, and in the window I have a white Apple computer logo in either lower corner.

So this leads me to three possibilities:

1. The man is a die hard George W. Bush supporter. (This makes no sense as GWB won the election.)
2. The man is a die hard Microsoft Windows user and was incensed that he was sharing the road with an Apple user. (For the record I also begrudgingly use Windows at work.) (This also makes no sense, if you’re attempting to take out Mac users I recommend a Macworld Expo, or at the very least your local Apple store.)
3. The man is violently homophobic.

I believe number three is the closest to the truth. It makes no sense for him to get out of the car to talk. I believe he did not have a gun as it would’ve been more advantageous to just shoot me when he got out of his car. Also I have not found a bullet and there is no broken glass for the bullet to have exited my car.

I believe he had a knife or other sharp object. The officer suggested that he broke the glass with his hand, but that seems unlikely as I have pounded on that glass myself without breaking it. (I was removing ice.) Additionally he would have had to applied additional force because my car was moving away from him, meaning that any force he applied would have been mitigated by my car’s forward motion.

The only logical conclusion is that the man grabbed a knife to kill me, after failing to run me off the road. When I accelerated, he used it to break my windshield. After this he followed me again and gave up the issue after he noted I was on my cell phone.

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The bumper stickers will not come off my car. I will get another set of Apple stickers. I will not remove the pride stickers. I will not remove my John Kerry stickers. I will not change my daily life as a result of this incident.

I will not be a victim.

I choose to feel safe.

I choose to be proud of who I am, in all my different aspects.

I choose to display that I am proud of who I am.

I choose to tell the truth irregardless if it hurts me in the long run.

I choose to be respectful towards those who have attempted to hurt me.

I choose to only use deadly force if and only if my life is immediately threatened.

I choose to never allow anyone, to cause me to deny that I have the ability to choose, irregardless of the situation.

First, Apple needs to release their new products on days that I am not at work or at least days when I don’t have class after work.

Second, all the pundits are missing the points. I have a point with the Mac mini, but I need to get it to solidify. But as to the iPod family they’ve actually out-Microsofted Microsoft and the rest of them. Apple has built a music platform around iTunes (the break-even leader) with the associated assortment of iPod music players (with an excellent selection of price points from $99 all the way upto $599, and I’m sure profit margins to boot.) (For those who seek structured similies the iTunes is to Windows as the iPods are to Office.) Everyone else in the industry should be running scared.

Now Apple, don’t fuck it up like you did the Mac a while ago…

I usually make a policy of always having any PEIDM entry be something I create, because if I didn’t there would be a bunch of other crap floating around here, and that isn’t my point for this space.

I just couldn’t resist posting this. My sister, Randi, emailed me these this morning. Its one of those things that circulates around email. Kudos to the original photographer. I won’t describe them, just take a look at them one at a time in order. I wonder if this qualifies for a Darwin award… (Those of you reading this in email, I recommend visiting this entry on the web for the full effect.)

I’m still processing The results of November 3rd. (The day John Kerry conceded.)

My first response (which I acted upon) was to leave the country (if only for two days). I also espoused a game plan to likely leave the country eventually and obtain citizenship in another country.

After my initial fit of anger I’m still not sure about this idea. Citizenship is a strange social institution. The closet thing I know to compare it to is marriage. (Not the pussy ass edition practiced by so many hetro-attracted people where if you decided to split you can get it done with at most two years in court. (My parent’s divorce proceedings lasted a bit over two years.)) To renounce your US citizenship you have to obtain citizenship in another country at the same time. This is as if to get divorced you’d have to get remarried at the same time the divorce became final.

At the moment my country and I are having a bit of a rocky relationship, but I’m not sure its time for a divorce — I want to try to work it out.

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In related news I have to say I’m proud of John Kerry. Yes, I know he didn’t win. But, I read this excerpt from the November 15th issue of time in The December 21, 2004 Advocate.

Looking for a way to pick up swing voters in the red states [in the weeks before the election] former president Bill Clinton, in a phone call with Kerry, urged the senator to back local bans on gay marriage. Kerry respectfully listened, then told his aids, “I’m not going to ever do that.”

I’m proud to have supported the presidential candidate that didn’t compromise his values to get elected. If you’re not going to follow your values you have nothing.

Well. The week that rang it in was pretty dang shitty. Work has been rough, two holidays in a row will do that.

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But I’m pissed at a friend right now. He’s a really good guy in so many ways. But, there is this game, Carcassonne, that I really, really like to play, that he introduced me to. We play the game with reasonable frequency.

Its just that he doesn’t play honestly. By that I mean to win for himself. He plays to foul others up. Of course he does end up winning in the end anyways, so the effect is the same, its just the means are, well, dirty. By analogy, if this game was long distance track running, he would end up running into his opponent to topple them to the ground. Of course, he would still suffer slightly, but his opponent would suffer more because they didn’t expect to be toppled to the ground, and as such spent more time to get back up to speed.

Another analogy. In business, it is illegal in many instances to sell a product below cost with the intention of running your competitors out of business.

Instances like this end up being a game of seeing who can hurt the other more before one party loses.

So, tonight half way through the game I just got pissed and stopped playing. Not a literal walking away from the table, but I was placing my pieces down in such a manner as not to score any points. When I had the simple possibility of scoring points I did not announce or score them. More or less if someone is going to play dirty, I just would rather not fuck with it. Especially when its a game, and not about survival or something life threatening.

To the unnamed person: I’m not playing Carcassonne with you for quite sometime, and yes I’m serious about it this time.

To anyone else in the Cincinnati area who likes Carcassonne: Need somebody to play with?

I no longer identify myself as a christian of any flavor. (And boy do they come in lots of flavors.)

That said, I have an emotional attachment to Christmas and winter. I’m finally in the Christmas mood for I think two reasons.

1. The weather is undeniably holiday like. I don’t know exactly how much snow we got here in the Cincinnati area, but boy it sure is a fun pain in the rear.
2. I’ve decided that I’m not buying gifts for everyone.

The second item sounds like I’m scrooge like I’m sure. But, I am done with being obligated to purchase a gift. If anyone expects a gift, it has moved from the realm of a gift into the realm of a social tax. Sort of the yearly fee that I have to pay to maintain friends and family.

I’ve decided that gift giving should be more spontaneous, and both to people I know and people I have never met.

I have been looking out for opportunities to help out those around me. (I do not classify them as random acts of kindness; I consider them opportunistic acts of kindness.) I’ve also made a very specific decision not to comment on what exactly I’ve done here or to anyone in person. My reward has already been paid in satisfaction, adding self-congratulatory statements actually subtracts from the satisfaction. (I am toeing the line here.)

I’ve also decided I want to make gift giving just a more organic part of the year instead of this artificial shopping fest we have every year.

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I’m not sure what I want Christmas to be about, but I know that the standard fare no longer interests me.

Well. I’ven’t had this happen in quite some time, if ever. I got a snow day from work today. The last time I remember having a snow day from work was I left McDonald’s once at 7 am after getting there at 4:30 am because we were so slow.

I spent the morning working on my new DSL setup and a little bit of general online housekeeping.

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After finally deciding that I was hungry I wandered into the kitchen and noted the heaping mound of dishes in the sink. Its not that I’ve not been monitoring, tracking, and ensuring that I have visibility of the situation, I’ve just been avoiding it.

This time when I walked into the kitchen I just did not want to see it anymore. The lead to a frantic neurotic search for something to block out the view. Quickly I decided on a piece of dirty clothing and started foraging through my hamper. At least I was reasonably logical and decided on utilizing a pair of jeans.

So currently my dishes are safely out of sight under a pair of jeans.

Guess you had to be there…

I’ve been at my new job for a total of seven days. It definitely can be quite a stressful place. The strange thing is that I love it.

Let me rephrase that. In general I love it. There are other instances I would rather be flying out the 25th floor window, but all in all I love it.

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This should’ve been something that my teachers noticed earlier. I love stress and having things due now. (Even better are things that are due yesterday.) Stress can be quite a motivator for me. I remember instances where I would go to bed early, wake up early (around 4am) and start to read the book for the paper that was due today.

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There of course has to be a balance with these things. Those 4am read the book and write the paper sessions didn’t usually yield a paper on time. In the same way Nanowrimo is about placing stress to get things done.

The part of the equation I battle with is planning enough to actually deliver, but still leave myself enough stress to perform.

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But, now it’s back to the stress-filled world of work.

I did the unthinkable today. I turned off NPR. Deliberately. Not just any old NPR show, it was Fresh Air, one of the crown jewels of NPR, and usually one of the best shows.. I didn’t have a headache, I wasn’t parked and debating about having a “driveway moment” or getting into my house, and I didn’t want to listen to a CD. I just turned it off and drove in silence for the rest of the way home. (Admittedly driving in silence is actually not as bad as it seems at first. I actually at times enjoy it, but I digress.)

No. I turned it off because I was disgusted about the topic.

What topic would that be may you ask? I’ll let the summary for the Thursday, December 9, 2004 show speak for itself:

Bishop Gene Robinson is the first openly gay man to be ordained an Episcopal bishop. We’ll talk with Robinson, and also hear from Bishop Robert Duncan, the moderator of a group that was formed in opposition to his ordination.

By all accounts it should actually be an episode of Fresh Air that I would consider really enjoyable. To add to this recently I’ve considered reading The Advocate a chore. One of those things I should do not one of those things I want to do.

The reason I’ve become apathetic about almost anything gay-rights related, is well..

I’m tired of being a football.

I’m tired of hearing anti-gay rhetoric.

I’m tired of reading articles where a mother has to fight for the custody of her children.

I’m tired of monumental court cases to gain rights that heterosexuals have enjoyed since the dawn of society.

I’m tired of having a George W. Bush sign from my mother’s yard in my trunk, and wondering how my parents voted (and how they justify supporting discrimination against their son.)
I’m tired of reading and hearing that GLBT rights organizations have been out organized.

I’m tired of debating where exactly to move to be somewhere I’m not discriminated against.

I’m tired of being responsible for educating those around me that I’m “normal” and just like anyone else.

I’m tired of feeling that I am in no way represented by my government.

I’m tired of having no reasonable choice but to support a bigoted murderous government.

I’m tired of being a football.

There comes a time in chess, in war, in any game, in school, in life, when you realize that the odds of winning are horribly stacked against you and you must consider the option of changing course or retreat. Foolishly plodding on without being honest with yourself about the odds of achieving your goals is as dumb as deciding that if you continue to walk into a cinderbrick wall you’ll eventually get through to the room on the other side. (Yes, by the laws of physics eventually you will have worn down the wall, but this will be long after you’re fully bloodied and well past the age that it doesn’t matter anymore.)

So, I’m retreating. Its time for me to begin to plot a course out of this situation. Likely this means that part of my plans will be moving eventually, likely out of the country. Its not one of those things I’m thrilled about, but when the plan you’re on isn’t working, its time for a new plan, one that recognizes the realities of the situation, which I don’t care to recount.

I’m not exactly sure what the plan will be, or how it will take shape. All I know is that it will require much thought.

–Nick

Okay I cannot keep writing these PEIDMs that meander similar to this “I was at   (place)   and I overheard   (number)     (gender)   talking and desecrating the English language”.

So one last time. I’m sitting next to two early 20’s/late teens girls who are overusing the word like, and have a complete lack of imagination when it comes to adjectives.

So I’ve decided on a new solution to the problem; an eavesdropping critique form. Basically a form that i’ll have copies of around and just circle the appropriate comments. I’ll post it here when I’ve done it but for starters ares that are problems: “like” over-usage, poor and boring adjective usage, grammar comments (I despise that I’ve somehow acquired that English teacher ability to in real time detect grammar errors.), lack of volume varying, just being too damn long winded etc…

I think it would be quite fun.