My Hours
I just watched an excellent movie today. (For those missing the allusion to the movie in the title find one that Allison Janney, Meryl Streep, and Nicole Kidman are all in it.) Okay if you know the movie there are spoilers in this entry.
It works through one of the "big questions" that exist in philosophy, specifically what life is worth living?
The historical/religions answer is live is always worth living, i.e. under no circumstances should you kill yourself.
At one time before our medical/science got out of hand and learned how to keep people alive under Extraordinary circumstances, people used to get sick then they died. There was not much of a life after cancer, a stroke, a heart attack, or a bad car accident. These are all debilitating illnesses/accidents that can seriously impede living a desirable life; living bedridden is for most not a life worth living.
Under these circumstances it is morally reprehensible to deny someone the right to kill themselves. We have placed upon them a duty to live, upon which no measurable good or achievement can come except for the doctor’s success in keeping them alive. This is like utilizing human beings t some extent as a lab animal.
I wonder how often doctors debate the question should I save this patient? Its a tricky question involving societal norms, the patient’s wishes the family’s (possibly) irrational desires for companionship, the doctor’s desire to demonstrate their medical prowess, and hospital policy. Its an amazingly complex issue and as a a result we commonly choose the "safe" option, save a life at no regard to the costs mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally.
This unfortunately lends to facilities designed to warehouse people and keep them alive until they die regardless of the quality of life issues. This is why in my mind hospice is one of the most kind things a family can allow a dying relative.
Depression is a whole other matter.
Depression is something that silently, slowly invisibly kills people. It is not permeant though but often can feel to the depressed person that it is, that it is something they would never get out of. A quote that I got from a website somewhere that I’ve misplaced the attribution to sums it up very well, "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
What someone who is depressed forgets is to start living again, you’ve got to take a realistic look and examine all options, nothing show be excused too early, or thought undoable.
Sometimes suicide is an option. If you are already emotionally dead, why not bring your physical self in line with that? At some point depression should be declared a terminal illness and assisted/self suicide should be allowed. Where is the tricky question.
What amazes me is what people do to remind themselves that they are alive. They drive cars excessively fast, cut themselves, cause themselves pain, and other interesting things. If you have to prove to yourself that you are alive are you really alive, or just faking it?
I believe too many people in this world are following life along a preset script without regards to considering if they are really alive, or happy. W. H. Auden examines this question very well in his poem The Unknown Citizen.
I will live life, I will be happy, I will be free. I demand them, I am willing to make the efforts and sacrifices to ensure it.
I just wish I didn’t feel so alone doing it.
Intersections, Tilex, and Selfness
What is the relationship between the arts and science?
At first glance nothing or very little but lets look at the list.
- Intelligent people who are able to see how their work fits into the gestalt of their field.
- Long arduous often minimally fulfilling tasks and drudgery often followed by huge breakthroughs.
- Far reaching intelligence in specific areas.
- A willingness and requirement to fail.
- Recognition of the role of the self and individual biases and beliefs and how those affect their work.
I’m not sure where I fall in all this. I consider myself a scientist-artist-philosopher, so long as it has nothing to do with dogma. Everything should be proven with in the current structure of the paradigm in which it exists holding onto dead ideas is not beneficial to creating progress. all these ideas must be recognized as intrinsically linked from the time in which it was created.
The exception to this is great art/science/philosophy. Something that is great will permanently transcend the time in which it was created.
This is a problem with some religions. They have failed to adapt and be a living vibrant belief system. People still see things through their old lenses, that are several thousand years old, cracked and held together with elaborate lacquers. There is an unwillingness to knock the old paradigm out and replace it with a new paradigm.
This is not to say that all religions are stuck, some honestly struggle with reinterpreting their teachings to fit into today’s world.
I wont name names but why follow a religion that refuses to be relevant to today?
So here’s the personal dilemma, how am relevant to today’s world. I felt more relevant when I was at WSU because I was getting a lot done, I was important to people; things and people were dependent on me.
But I’m not sure that I was relevant within the time. I filled a role, was a cog in the machine. I’m not sure that I was linked into the world, that I was relevant to it, intrinsically linked to it by more than time and space.
Lambda/WSU/Theatre was overly easy to leave, almost too much so as if I was doing complex contortions to fit in to be relevant.
Its strange but I feel much more me, free of any confining and debilitating mold. (as in a form, not the bluish green stuff.) I’ve been able to say fuck what the world and others think of me. If they don’t like my purple/blue/pink/bleach blond hair that is their problem not mine.
It is worrisome that I feel that somehow I’m placing myself in a group to be a future victim of a neo-McCarthyisit.
I wonder if the FBI has a file on me?
You know, I sort of threaten the status quo. I get interesting comments of hate against me for who I am. It worries and frustrates people that I don’t give a flying fuck what they think. People at work have been prognosticating at work that my hair will fall out because I’ve been dying my hair.
Of course I’ve also gotten approval from many people, but they seem truly happy for me, not that faux polite shit.
Which reminds me of a story. A FtoM transsexual told the story of a woman at his call center job who was old and presumably conservative that mad a point of stating “I’m happy for you and this is better for you” or something similar when he finally crossed over.
I’m happy with where I’m going, unfortunately it seems to threaten some people and its discouraging that they are not secure in themselves to feel non-threatened by me.
Because I’m different I shouldn’t be a threat, it should be celebrated.
Madonna beat me
I took eMode’s IQ Test and scored a 129. Pretty good, but I’m still not as smart as Madonna… Sigh oh well.
Things in general have been going well.. I have things that are floating around in my head that I need to get to writing I guess I will get to them soon….
Getting Real
I’ve decided I can’t make the finances meet anymore. So…. in the next week or two I’m going to move in with my dad. Not the best solution but I need to save money and I know that will be cheaper rent.
Shaved Legs
What is it about guys with shaved legs being so hot? I’m sitting at Starbucks and there’s this guy with shaved legs. Now he’s hot, but he’s so much hotter because he has shaved legs… I just get a thrill out of it..
Geeze.. its bad but half of the reason I come to Starbucks in the evening is to look at the hot boi’s.
Okay back to shaved legs. I know that shaved body parts feel vulnerable, interesting and feminine to a point. Although I know straight guys who shave their legs. (mostly for athletic competitions)
Of course the large question is why do people find sexy what they find sexy. I doubt all of it is marketing, because they have to play what people already naturally find sexy… Sigh.. this is too big a subject for me at the moment, and I’m still procrastinating on programming… okay.. now to programming….
Lunacy
There is an amazing amount of lunacy with this Iraq war brouhaha.
First off. I have friends over there, and I’m of draft age. Its not something thats impersonal and completely removed from myself.
Second, Where the fuck are the Weapons of Mass Destruction? At the moment there are no confirmed stores of them, and only one or two possibilities. Given the way the Bush administration made this out to be the country was brimming with Weapons of Mass Destruction, we’re something like a month into this and we still haven’t found a confirmed store of WMD’s. Bush killed over 100 Americans and many more Iraqi’s for what?
Thirdly, I’m not even going to be happy till Bush, Rumsfeld, and Wolfwitz are out of office and sitting securely in a jail somewhere, charged with something, perhaps lying to the American people or manslaughter? I used to secretly hope that someone would have the common sense and absence of a desire for self-preservation and assassinate the whole lot. Now, I’m not convinced that this would be an appropriate punishment for them. Given that I happen to believe that once your dead, your dead, there would be no misery for them or anything. If their the christian version of heaven and hell are correct I would be happy with an assassination, because I’d be assured they would go to hell.
I wonder if the Secret Service releases the number of death threats received against the President? I wonder if they’ve gone up any since Bush has been in office. It would be an interesting figure.
Well onto programming this SpamFolderManager. Not sure if thats the right name for the program, but its a descent working name. If anyone has a better suggestion drop me an email.
Dating Fears
I made a mistake. I put myself on a self imposed moratorium on dating, and forgot to set some time to end it.
I don’t know if now is the time. It would be nice to date, but I’m not sure if I want to fool with it.
Kathy at work has a friend shes going to hook me up with. I made the mistake of asking her (in sloppy confused sign language none the less) to find me a boyfriend. I guess since work has kicked me off of six day weeks, I’ve got time to date, in comparison to my crazy 48-60 hour work weeks I’ve been doing. I talked with David, online and he said "take it VERY easy." I’m just not sure if I know how to do that. Jimmity crickets.. I think I need to take DAT097 remedial dating.. I think they should offer that in school… hmmm what would DAT399 be then? How to navigate the confusing waters of polygamy?
Reading between the lines
You know your a philosophy geek when your running around getting things together to go to work and you scream “Where’s my Epictetus!” (Yes, true story)
I was looking for advice to give to one of my obsessive readers who “hates” me. Mind you at this point its been about two and a half months since I’ve seen him on a regular basis. (Although for some reason I do write eJournal entries for him, guess its like an open letter.) So he’s causing himself stress not me. Guess he’s like the donkey who just likes to complain and moan.
But to the Epictetus!
“…when someone irritates you be aware that what irritates you is your own belief most importantly therefore, try not to be carried away by appearance, since if you once gain time and delay you will control yourself more easily.” (#20 Handbook of Epictetus)
Sigh. Why does this person cause me to write about him? He doesn’t stress me anymore, in fact usually I get a good laugh out of him. I dunno why. Perhaps though its that he’s so uptight that his colon is twisting around in and upon itself (Gimme a break I’m having metaphoritis, they’re all infected and crappy right now. Hmmmm maybe a simile?) He is as uptight as a person with an impacted bowel. (for the medical terminology impaired thats a backup of shit, and to take care of this they put you under and the doctor takes forceps and pulls the shit out… Fun eh? No I’ve never had constipation that bad.)
But the moral of my ramble once again is that life is what you make it, either yell and scream about someone who doesn’t affect you or let it go and obtain inner peace (or just become a Buddhist which includes this advice and more.)
Well that your philosophy lesson for today, stay tuned here for more engaging diatribes!
Jumping into the Light
I’m about to post a few eJournal entries I’ve written over the past week. I’ve held back on posting them because I’m not sure they should be out there. But I feel its important to share them because other people have tried to kill themselves or are thinking about it. I feel it is important for others who are in that situation there is life after attempted suicide. You might have to make huge changes but you can do it.
More Idiots Online
I swung by the WSU computer lab right after work to clean out my Novell space before they deleted it all. (and yes, this is after work for me) And I checked my email like I must do when I sit down at an Internet connected computer, and I had another idiot from a different IP in a different foreign country, dropped another nasty comment…
Sigh, I’m debating if I should contact these ISP’s and file an abuse complaint, or just let it slide. Somehow letting it slide just seems like letting people get away with it, although I pretty much know the ISP’s will not do anything… but I can try.