Path to Enlightened Insanity

I’ve gotten really good at moving on.

I had my last appointment with my counselor yesterday. Its not the last because we’re done, but its the last because I’m leaving WSU and she’s a student counselor; the center she works at is only for students. I’m not a student anymore so I can’t see her anymore.

Usually this isn’t a problem for me, leaving a counselor isn’t something to fret about. I’ve left so many, some because I was moving and some because I’d reached a point where they weren’t necessary by mutual agreement.

But a funny thing happened on the way to wherever the hell I’m going. (The forum is over rated.) Jo and I crossed that line from just counselor and client to somewhere between just a counselor and a full fledge friend. This is not to diminish the spot she has moved into, its just special and unique.

I dunno… I made a point when leaving while walking down that hall together to get a bit in front of her and not look back. I’d already said goodbye and I didn’t wanna look back.

When I left the only home I knew, Binghamton, NY, when I was 12 for Dayton, Ohio. I wanted to go back and I did.

While physically I went back to Binghamton, I never have actually bone back in the interpersonal sense. The people I used to hang out with have changed, I’ve changed, and things are just different. Whatever you want to go back to you can’t; its ethereal, its gone. So I’ve got one way to go: forward. Thats it. there are no redos in life, as much as we would like there to be.

Today I talked with Jo about where I’m going the path I’m going on. Well I’m scared shitless that I’ll end up nowhere, not in school, single, lonely and without purpose or direction. But Jo extended my nautical metaphor.

I’ve pulled up my anchors in the harbor of Dayton, Ohio, and while I’ve not left the storm barrier I’m wandering out to the open ocean to find another harbor, hopefully one in a Cuba, perhaps writer’s paradise.

Between here and there I’m expecting a few storms, lots of nice beautiful days, but above all it should be an interesting time. And hey, I might even get a TAN!

My life has been fine if not a bit mundane. But I’m enjoying the lack of drama and commotion. So there’s nothing new and interesting really. So we’ll promptly proceed to political drivel after these messages.

Roommate for an apartment in Fairborn Ohio. Flat rate $400 per month inclusive of everything except telephone service. For more information contact nickb@pobox.com

I was a sideline observe on an argument between two coworkers at work today over Iraq and terrorism and that whole rigamarole.

I of course am still anti-war, nothing new there.

What Amazed me was the conviction of both people arguing. They were both sure that they were right; that their position was true. Logically of course it is impossible for two opposing positions to be true.

Okay while I honestly I’m overstating their faith in their positions, but they both were quite sure they were correct.

I never am honestly sure I’m right or what I’ve determined is the truth. Sometimes, well a lot of the times I see this as a flaw, a weakness. But honestly, its a strength, a lack of dogmatism (i.e. no position is held strongly enough that I cannot give it up.)

I think this is the major flaw I see with Bush. He is a man of conviction, there is no doubt in his mind that he is right. This is not just my opinion but one that I borrowed from a respected philosophy professor of mine who is a Bush supporter.

The question is should a man who had been opposed by his peers consistently be allowed to wield one of the most powerful militaries on the planet? (no)

Usually peer pressure is thought of as negative. But it it isn’t. There is positive AND negative peer pressure.

Okay but should we trust a man who cannot think he could be wrong?

Honestly someone who is so convicted in a company would be fired. If you had a harebrained idea unsupported by all your peers, your vice presidents, etc who thought it wouldn’t work. He’d be thrown out by the Board of Directors or shareholders. Unfortunately in this case he’s scared all of us or at least enough of us into not speaking our minds so we’ve already left America. So I doubt its worth defending this America, perhaps there is another one that we can create and once again be free. But I doubt it will happen with Bush in office.

I just finished Contact This is one book that I can say is a good as the movie and vice versa. Not to belittle either one; they’re both excellent for their medium and year created.

The question Carl Sagan wants us to consider is “What is faith?” And how does it apply to scientific/philosophical thought?

In some ways faith is like stoicism applied to the future. Wherein that what needs to happen will happen. I don’t think that means pre-determinism thought. Everything is not predetermined, but in the end things will turn out for the best, even if things don’t go the way I want.

I guess you could say that I have faith that the future will turn out for the best. Well I’d have to say for my personal life at least, and well even past that. I’m convinced whatever the asshole in chief does can be undone or corrected in 10-20 years time.

Okay so there it is if faith is the only component required of religion then I have it. Whoo! Hoo!

But I’m still an agnostic.

How do you know what love is?

I had someone break up with me after three weeks of dating because I used the word “love” in reference to him.

I’d been backdooring the “l” word in by using it to describe specific qualities that he had.

So I used the “l” word and three days later we were “Just Friends.” How can someone decide something like that that fast? I just don’t really know.

God this still hurts on a much lower level like hell.

So now I’m at a point that I don’t want to date because I don’t want to invest my energy in closeted ohio guy just to get hurt.

Fuck it just boils down to that I want Shawn I want him to reconsider to try again.

Hell I’d give my left nut for a second chance (and my left nut is the one I value more!)

I have been searching to figure out why I feel a need to find some good man and settle down and start a family. I’ve not been able to figure out why this exists within me as far as I can tell its a priori – it is in and of itself. Evolutionary psychology doesn’t help in explaining it. It just is.

Its great how things are set for me to just hurt myself. I know this will take an adjustment on my part.

Of Course I’ve previously said what makes it worth it is the risk.

I don’t want to risk this again.

What is it that divides us from each other?

While we all have different backgrounds and different stories we all have the ability to connect to one and other. We all have struggles, good days, bad days, childhood struggles and things that we’d like to change about ourselves and others.

This all comes from our history which shapes who we are today by the by the experiences we have had both directly by remind then using as a guide and indirectly via experience.

I had a conversation with a sixty some year old African American woman who I work with. We’re friendly but don’t talk much because of the nature of the job. But today we sat in the break room together and chatted.

We had genuine laughs and connected as people.

I then started thinking what keeps us apart? In actuality nothing. I could throw out a bunch of bullshit answers and then explain why they’re false but I’ll spare you the philosophical exercise.

Then the question is if there is nothing dividing us what is there dividing me and a terrorist/guerrilla/freedom fighter? Well language and location separate us but those can be overcome by modern technology.

What separates us are artificial divides placed by people for some reason usually for the advantage of a military or leaders.

The basic steps are simple: divide and dehumanize; a more insidious version of divide and conquer because while your enemy with divide and conquer is still someone you in theory can know, in divide and dehumanize by definition the enemy cannot be known because they are not human and not on “our” level.

Look around its used a lot on Soviets during the Cold War, Germans during WWII, homo-attracted and bi-attracted people for a long time, terrorists, drug dealers during the “war” on drugs, African Americans pre-civil war/pre-civil rights/pre 3/11/03. (oops, did I just imply that we’re pushed not to see African Americans as human?)

So whats the way to get out of this? Make people human by talking with them one on one or in groups.

While best left to individual connections there are a few notable structured programs such as Dayton Dialogue on Race Relations and Hello Peace | Hello Salaam | Hello Shalom that come to mind.

So to answer Rodney King’s famous line “can’t we all just get along?”

Yes. If we talk.

Over the past few days I’ve decided that I’m going to remain single (barring any really cute, intelligent, romantic guy falling in my lap.) for a while… probably till I leave Ohio.

I’m still amazed how hung up I am on him. I was talking talking to Tommy on my lunch break. He’s on his way to meet his ex for the weekend either to fuck or get back together (one of the two — he’s not sure.) but he kept going on and on about how he was so happy. the funny thing was the more and more he talked the more and more depressed I became. I guess I’m experiencing disschadenfreude: displeasure derived from other’s pleasure.

But back to the issue at hand. Taking off from dating and remaining single.

My reasons for this are what I’ve come to call “The Shawn Standard” for lack of a better name. But some history is in order.

My first real sexual attractions were over the net — no not chatting that wasn’t on the net proper yet. [IRC yes, but I didn’t use it – 3/10] The thingy about porn is its the top 0.5% of guys – both in looks and positions and it doesn’t tell very much about emotional states and the people — you just get an image to objectify.

So naive me when I first started dating I was wanting my porn ideal. I’d for some reason assumed that we’d be able to build a meaningful relationship.

Well then I started dating and from about the first date on my standards have been on a general downward trend with the exception of the last year where the guys I was dating were just mediocre and all decided not to date me. I was more than happy to stay with any of them and date some more, but in hindsight I was making do, settling for someone because he was better that no one.

And then came Shawn.

I spent a long time while I was dating Shawn saying that I didn’t deserve him, and the people around me fed into my delusion by saying that “its always that way with the one.” And me deluded by hormones and lots of emotions believed that. Not only was Shawn someone he was someone who was more than just filling the void of “no one.”

So here is “The Shawn Standard”. The person I’m going to date is going to be as right for me and as Intelligent, kind, cute, caring, funny, dorky, and intellectually curious as Shawn. As self-centered and well narcissistic as that may sound I deserve someone with those qualities. If I accept someone of who isn’t “the one” then I’m doing myself a disservice and honestly I’m doing the other person a disservice by lying to them and distracting them from their search.

So thats where I’ve got “The Shawn Standard”

P.S. Follow Marshall’s and Dorian’s advice — especially number eight — Don’t turn every date into a “Will this be the one assessment.”

Well All I know is i’ve got a lot to learn about dating.

I’ve been pulling my stakes up, yanking myself away from lots of things. This is the first time that I can think of that I was so deeply involved in something or so many things and I voluntarily started pulling up stakes. Usually I want to keep my stakes in the ground my contacts intact for as long as possible. But in this situation I’ve been packing – pulling up as many stakes as possible. I am now divorced from WSU the institution, I’ve separated from PFlag Dayton (Despite the fact that I’ven’t told them) and I’ve pitched Lambda out of my life, and I’ve even stopped seeing my counselor.

I’ve burnt out from my life lots of things that were zapping my energy. I’ve done this after realizing the situation I was in wasn’t working for me, and I’ve embarked upon a path of self exploration and self discovery. I’ve decided to dye my hair blue, revitalize my web presence and focus on me.

But I know that I don’t have the ability to remove myself from people all together. an interesting Quote from A Simpler Way: “When we link up into others, we open ourselves to yet another paradox … while surrendering some of our freedom, we open ourselves to even more creative forms of expression. This state of being has been described as communion … the means of who we are changes through our communion with [others]. We are identifiable as our selves. [sic] But we have discovered new meaning and different contributions, and we are no longer the same.”

The question is: is this – or was the person I was who I wanted to be? I would have to say no. I’m someone while I’ll thrive for excellence I will not go too far above and beyond what is expected of me unless there is a clear incentive to; just doing the work excellently is not enough in and of itself.

I guess herein is one of my problems – I live for others not for myself, well not true but when functioning in the world I go for meeting expectations not exceeding them, unless I get something for it.

But back to the point. I don’t like the person I’ve become at WSU – sliding in trying to get enough to get by but not trying for excellence.

If you look at life as creating a building I’m knocking down the old one and placing in the foundation for the new one. I’m hoping this time I can get a skyscraper, or at least a nice sized office building instead of the grocery store/shopping mall that I’ve had.

When I first set this eJournal up I had a small argument with Shawn as to what to name this. I insisted on calling it an eJournal and he insisted on calling it a blog.

This blog concept interested me a bunch so like any good college student I went to the library to find stuff to read. I came up with We’ve got blog a collection of articles and blog entries published on the net concerning blogging…

This is an eJournal – and not a blog – I’m definitive about that now. One of the recurring themes in the book is that links are the driving force of blogs (hence why its derived from the older geek speak web log. i.e. the log of where I’ve been on the web.) My eJournal, while containing links is not driven by them. My comments are not subservient to the link, the links are subservient to my comments. Therein defines the difference between weblogs and eJournals – whether the links or the comments are subservient. If the comments are subservient to the links its a weblog, if the links are subservient to the comments its an eJournal.

If you asked me ten minutes ago where I was going in life I would’ve said nowhere or maybe I would’ve said circles.

But, I just read my journal from my New England Immersion. While I wouldn’t say I’m a totally different person I am no longer the confined 17 year old boy that I was.

I was so closeted back then at least two journal entries dealt with being gay. I had forgotten that I cam out Junior year.. I usually say senior year was when I came out. That is when I came out to my parents, but I was partially out at school junior year. To this day I’m amazed that it didn’t spread like wildfire across campus.

The thing that is most amazing to me is that I am amazed at how scared I was to be myself, to be out and be open. While in all actuality I don’t proclaim to the world all my interests (thats what the PeJournal is for) But to those close to me and who I know won’t use it against me I will tell about anything. I’m much more open than I used to be.

I also got that picture of a teenager desperate for connections to people. That Still really hasn’t changed, except I would say I’m looking for meaningful connections.

In looking at my journal I would say that it was a seminal time for me in my life.. I see there the decisions and observations that I made that shape the man I am today.

I need to know that I am moving forward, even when it doesn’t appear to be so; I am moving forward.

I just sent the following email to Lambda Union’s advisors and executive board:

To whom it may concern:

This email is to inform you of my revocation of any and all assistance that I had been providing to Sean Sandefer, Lambda Union’s Webmaster, in learning the ropes of and maintaining Lambda’s website.

It is unfortunate that I must do this, because I had quite enjoyed assisting Sean in properly learning the ropes of the website. I am doing this in response to the removal of the link to my personal web page from the nicholasbarnard.html file. This link was properly flagged with the university disclaimer.

As the current executive board has seen fit to completely expunge any conflicting views, I must stop providing any support to Lambda Union, even the limited support I was providing Sean. This is especially disheartening given that the organization saw fit last year to award me with Plaque signifying my commitment to Lambda Union’s Mission.

In the best of all theatrical traditions I wish Lambda Union the best of luck.

In regret that I ever cared,
Nicholas Barnard

Well, thats it. Lambda Union has done the last thing I think they can do to piss me off.

Damnit, I want to be associated with them, but well there is nothing like just getting kicked even when you’ve gotten out of the way.

Sigh. well nothing like caring and getting hurt for it, I’ve gotten pretty good at it.