Path to Enlightened Insanity

What is the meaning of Life? Of course many people fail to realize this is a trick question. Its not something that someone else can answer. There are as many answers to the question as there have been people. (Therefore there are several billion different answers)

The real question to answer is what is the meaning of my life?

I honestly don’t know. This is the question I’ve been pining at for quite a while in different ways.

I know I want an answer, concrete and unequivocal. That is my logical plodding side at work, always trying to come to an answer that is concrete and meaningful.

Of course this is as productive as attempting to find the right pair of glasses by walking up to people and trying their glasses on. You might get the right prescription but by that time your eyes will be so tired and worn out that they won’t matter.

Okay lets back up a step. Why does there have to be meaning to my life? Why can’t I just be one of the mindless automatons wandering through this world, a working stiff? Instead I’m stuck with the curse/gift of being a philosopher.

Why is it that we “find meaning” in our lives? Isn’t it possible to create meaning? I dunno.

I know Charlie Kauffman, William Irvine, and Susan Orlean would argue that meaning is finding something to do and doing it passionately.

I’m reminded of the scene from Adaptation Susan Orlean and the gardner create a dial tone together over the telephone each by humming the 1/2 of the bitonal sound. Strangely enough this is one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. Two people in such inexplicable simple means, but intertwined and at that time inseparable.

Is it a pathetic denial of my potential to say that finding someone to be the other half of my dial tone is the meaning I seek in my life?

In some ways I feel like Heidi from The Heidi Chronicles constantly and consistently asserting “I believe everyone has the right to fulfill their potential.” as an empty and hollow refrain. In the end to constantly search for meaning through degrees, the woman’s movement, and whatnot only to find it in adopting a child. Hmm food for thought.

Why the hell am I programmed to want and desire one person or one cause to be devoted to?

So I’m stuck with a paradox. I’m set up with a set of urges that in the end hurt myself emotionally.

While I’ve said in the past its the risk that makes it worth it, I’m not so sure. I wanna say no reward is worth this risk. I’d rather habitually play the lottery, it is less stressful with more predictable losses.

Love seems to be the only thing where you can lose more than you put in. I’m not sure I want to make the investment again.

I’m broke. Broker than I’ve been in quite a while. The extent of my fiscal liquidity is the change that is upstairs in my change tray. Pathetic? yes I know.

So in the spirt of my underpaid collegeness, I’m accepting donations. Please only donate if you enjoy reading this, if its meaningless or just annoying, don’t feel a need to. While donating doesn’t get you any special services (except maybe a surprise on your credit card statement!) it does make me a bit happier and gives you the satisfaction of helping out a future leader.

So how can you do this you ask?
I accept donations one of two ways:

1. Via PayPal – they’re snazzy, will accept your Visa, Mastercard, Discover, American Express, or even debit your bank account! Plus they’re easy to use!
2. Via Amazon.com, you can get me something off my Wish List or a Gift Certificate.

If your wanting to donate via another method, drop me a message and I’ll get right back to you.

No, not the lottery, but its almost as good.

What have I won?

The battle of the laundry. Yes indeedy, while there are still a few dirty stragglers holding out hope in my hamper all of my clothing is clean. I think this is about the only time I’ve ever had this happen.

I’ve learned a few things though:

1. I own way too much underwear (they’re the gay man’s equivalent to women’s shoes, what can I say? I need variety!)
2. I also have way too many socks. (I went on a buying spree after being forced to wear the same pair for about two weeks.)
3. While I’ve won one war, I’m now fighting the battle of storage, where the hell do I put all this? (sigh, you see war never is a good thing.)

Okay just a fun little jaunt into my psychotic world!

Where are our political leaders? Aren’t they supposed to be representing me?

There are many people including me who are against the military action in Iraq. Where is our voice in congress? Why are we just on a narrow and unrelenting train to war with Iraq? Iraq is more of a threat? Seriously Iraq was minding its own business and totally not on the radar map till Bush’s administration leaked the war plan with Iraq and people started debating why not have a war with Iraq? And it snowballed.

We’ve forgotten about Afghanistan and now we’re going to go to war with Iraq and we’re prepping for a war with North Korea. Well who is next? I’m all for going to war with Texas. Why not? I mean really you have a state that turns out trash like bush we don’t really need it. We should go to war with Texas because look at the threat that the leaders there have wrought upon the world? We can’t let that kind of evil go unchecked. We need to cleans the world of evil. While we’re at it lets declare war on Washington DC during the State of the Union address. Thats a good way to clean out the moral problem with this county. Then we can get some real leadership that cares about the people and not just oil and big corporations. Of course we’ll have the issue of corrupt state governments and local governments but I think that we can confine them to work in our local McDonald’s because we all know they’re understaffed.

So what should we do if we can’t conquer Iraq and Texas wont work? Lets go after Alaska, at least they’ve got oil.

I’m reading a book of critical writings of Michael Crichton’s work.

Two Quotes:

“If you believe you will succeed, or fail, or be victimized or gain power eventually you probably will. (p. 98)”

“This attack of victimization has grown in American society since Sphere was published in 1987.” (p. 98)

The question is: Am I a victim?

I’m thinking about my entry oppressed a lot. I dunno. I know I am not a victim that is not a mindset I’ve found to be useful, but I have been a victim in the past.

As to being oppressed I would have to say that my generation is less oppressed and more free than previous generations, but I still feel reasonable and justified in saying that I’m not fully free. I’m still playing within the constraints that the dominate culture has placed on me. Asking me to live outside heterosexual is asking me to move into a different culture, say Ghana. I am as accustomed to living in heterosexual as I am living in the US; They are almost all I know.

Even when I’m in the “gay” world we play by heterosexual. top is a synonym for who will play the common heterosexual male role, and bottom is a synonym for who will play the common heterosexual female role.

We can’t even have sex without brining heterosexuality into the bedroom! Hows that for oppression and playing by the oppressor’s rule book?

Even some of our other terms directly refer to heterosexuality. “Butch” is a synonym for well built and masculine. Queeny is hyper-femine.

This is not to say we don’t have “natural queeny” moments or “natural butch” moments but all in all a good majority of these tend to be acts to emphasize one’s masculinity or femininity. What about promoting one’s gayness or inner-self?

Of course the question is what is your inner self? I think we all spend a great deal of time as teens doing that searching attempting to find out what it means to be gay and then find a way to “be gay” and then forget about being yourself.

This is not some random believe I have – I’ve observed the desire to “be gay” in the younger members of our community go through this.

In fact most gay people to through a phase where they feel a need to assert to the whole world that they’re gay even in spots where it doesn’t matter. In my younger years I made a point of asserting that I was gay while playing cards online.

I guess more of this boils down to that we need to examine heterosexuality and ourselves and figure out how we react and conforrm to stereotypes and make a point to be ourselves, not what homo- or hetero- sexuality demands of us. Only then will we be free.

I just drove to school from work, to use the computer. (My laptop is still in Tennessee, but is now fixed and awaiting shipping back to me, and my server at home sucks.)

Its snowing in the wonderful state of Ohio right now. And luckily not too many people were on the road so I fiddled with putting my high beams on in my car.

I was instantly struck with the feeling of speeding through space pretending to be Captain Picard (except I didn’t have my needle and thread) I found it quite mesmerizing staring into the void of rushing snowflakes in front of me. Knowing that they wouldn’t hit me but would instead just zip past my windshield, missing me.

Often I’m am an anti technologist when it comes to enjoying nature. Give me a simple camera, boots and just warm clothing and I’m happy enjoying the outside, but every once in a while, I’m amazed to see how technology changes and enhances/distorts our reality into becoming something more interesting.

Nature and science need to work together, because they are both from the same root of play and exploration, just in differently organized ways.

I unhesitantly and without any reservations recommend Shawn Walker as a potential boyfriend and husband.

He ranks as on of the most unique, interesting, kind-hearted, insightful, and self-less people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

All I ask is that you bestow as much kindness and care on him as he bestows on you.

If you happen to be the man with whom he clicks with and you click with him, hold onto him and cherish your time with him; he is one in a million and your chances of running into one of the other 200 some in this country are slim to none.

Reflexively you could also be that special person for him or not – that person is out there and see if Shawn is that person. If he is not do both of you the favor by moving on, it is the best thing you can do for your psyche.

I wish you the best of luck and remember take care of him, he is a very special person.

With care and respect,
Nicholas Barnard

I’m stuck thinking about stuff I was considering junior year. Ummm… thinking about how we’re all interdependent and connected and umm … and how none of us can exist without each other. Ummm as much as people do end up existing umm without people they still exist with plants and animals that evolved together.

Umm I’m thinking about blogging and the same thing its interesting, but ummm as much as the internet is isolatatory blogging is a direct response to that ment to bring people together into webs and networks and become interdependent in someways … umm my weblog … or my eJournal doesn’t exist without the others around it. Its my own its my own thing given that ummm I pull from Tommy’s and Shawn’s at times and Dana’s also my freshman friend and (exhale) even RuPaul’s weblog which is wonderful.

(The phone ran out of memory at this point)

Okay, so I had an interesting idea about the news.

Why should I care that 90-some people in New Hampshire died in a fire in a club? So what? Now we’re going to go through this whole deal of what is needed in clubs, of course this story made the news only because of the Chicago trampling.

But seriously, the media is just out to scare us all and get us to tune in. I believe this is the problem with corporate media — not money per se, but a desire to get us to tune into the newscast or buy their newspaper or magazine. Its not the money directly but the necessity that they feel the need to be watched or read. Thus they distort whats out there to get our eyeballs.

Fundamentally I see this as irresponsible journalism. Journalists should seek to inform not to be watched. This is a fundamental paradox of news in this country. Its gotta be paid for but it has a public responsibility. Maybe we need to go back to the days of news being a loss leader. News for news’s sake, just like art for art’s sake.

I was just doing some morning housekeeping (hey I’m a college student, its morning till 4pm) and I snuck two old entries in that I wrote on paper this past weekend. They are Pissed/Oppressed and Offended.

I’m not sure I agree with them right now, but they are entries I need to meditate over… Although unfortunately they’re on a server in NYC and well I’d probably get arrested for bringing candles and whatnot into the server room.