Path to Enlightened Insanity

I ran into a Upper School friend of mine at the conference, so I felt a need to pull out my Yearbook and look through it. I noticed the quote next to my picture, which I picked:

“People take different roads seeking fuillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” – H. Jackson Browne

I remember picking that quote because Miami Valley was a place of lots of highly focused people, everyone had seemed to figure out their life plan by their Junior year, and lots of people were on their way towards being engineers, lawyers, and doctors. I was worried they’d all have a tendency to get narrowly focused and look down at the people who aren’t as focused as them.

So, the question is I’ve been on a path that I believe I’ve chosen, but in lots of ways I’ve just chosen one off the shelf. I’m as guilty as those who pointed to become a doctor long ago.

I think the reverse of the quote is also true, Even if your on a different road, still might mean your lost, and not on your path towards fufillment and happiness.

Okay, so I just rationalized why I’ve decided to find another path and get on it. I think the biggest thing I’ve come to realize is that clinging to the same path even when its not working isn’t a good idea. Thats an idea I need to explore more through A Simpler Way, and further investigation.

Well I’ve gotta work tomorrow morning, so goodnight.

Okay, I’ve been thinking a lot about spirituality along with all the other stuff floating in my head. This is the one that is demanding to be written tonight.

The conference seemed like sort of a spiritual type thingy. That place that I think other people call a soul got recharged. I don’t like the word soul because of the religious implications. Maybe inspiration or energy well… That’s a better term.

Okay so the conference recharged my energy and inspiration well. The last time I really remember feeling like this with just going somewhere was when I attended the Unitarian Universalist meetings in Atlanta. It’s been the first time in a long time that I wanted to go to a place of worship.

So I’ve thought about going to the UU meetings on a regular basis, its just Sunday morning has traditionally been reserved as my day to sleep in. I only get one a week, and I’m gonna take this one damnit!

So, now we have the eternal economic debate. Is the opportunity cost (not sleeping in) worth going to the UU meeting.. I think I need to go to find out, because I remember being inspired and filled when I went to the UU meetings in Atlanta.

This is in response to Life Sucks

Sometimes it’s just not meant to be, and we can’t explain it.

There are three people who I will always love and care about deeply. They each have found their own special place within my heart and they will all stay there, in quiet deep place within my heart.

But I cannot let them stay out, I need to tuck them away, shield them from my psyche and know that it will always hurt, and tuck that away, but still remember the great times I’ve had, and cherish that.

Okay, I started reading A Simpler Way again. It’s been five years since I last read it.

The first time I read it I was totally lacking the appropriate skills and perspective to read it. First of all, I didn’t realize at the time that it was philosophy. I thought it seemed a little too bullshitty at the time, and I just read it to read it. Nothing more.

Now I read the beginning of it at Starbucks. It makes a lot more sense. (It’s amazing how being five years older can change your perspective on things.) The biggest thing I got from the beginning of what I read is allow yourself to play and explore and find solutions that work although they don’t have to be the best solution.

Also, one of the things I need to get rid of or at least temper is my Darwinian mindset, that I have to be the best, because only the best survive. This according to the author is false. I would tend to agree with this. If only the best could survive, people of lower economic classes and whatnot wouldn’t survive, which doesn’t happen.

Okay, I’m trying to relate this to dating and the Adventures in Queer Relationshipland workshop at the conference this weekend. (It was amazingly over attended.) Okay and I thought I had a way to relate them, but I don’t. So there. Okay, well maybe I do, I think the thing in dating is to find what works for you. While it would be wonderful to find someone with every quality I’m looking for, I might find someone that’s great for me that’s not really who I’m searching for. I think the thing is I need to look at dating less seriously, and be more playful. (Play is one of the central concepts to the authors of A Simpler Way) I’m gonna fail, and I think I need to realize that failure isn’t bad in and of itself.. Learn, go try again and see if another connection works.

Hmm… also I found it interesting that the authors assertion that we self organize. I wonder what would happen if I started working on my Gay mentors program idea on the web? Would people come and help me out, or should I be all corporate and bring the right people on board and make it much more complex than it needs to be at first? I’m gonna go with the start it approach and hope people follow…

Well… time to update some webpages.. So until then, I’m gonna be queer, and play a bit.

Well… Here we go. I got off of work two hours ago, and I’ve been wasting time at Kinko’s and the computer lab at school… (My laptop is dead) I’m getting used to the fact of working 40+ hours a week. I’m not doing it yet, but its coming…

I feel like I should have a diarrhea session to decompress everything I learnt at the conference. But well .. I’m just too tired to start thinking about it all… the conference still has me wiped out.

I’m gonna get to it soon.. maybe tomorrow or so..

The gas station was kinder. I attempted to order a Zebra here at Starbucks and I got corrected to the technical name – a 1/2 white chocolate 1/2 chocolate mocha. I asked why and they said a customer took offense to it.

While I don’t feel a need to be offended but I’m quite sure there are things that offend my sensibilities that I’ve just been conditioned to accept. The phrases “thats just the way it is,” “oh thats what the majority is,” “Its nothing worth getting upset about” are all phrases to lull myself and others into accepting the status quo.

Okay thats a big idea and a big change. I need to think more about integrating that.

Well apparently I’ve acquired a high efficiency engine.

I am Pissed. I am pissed at the spot society has placed me in. I am stuck. I am oppressed and I don’t know what to do about it.

Mois

Okay. I’m here, I’m queer, but all I can do is think about Shawn.

I was hoping that seeing him this weekend and just naturally being able to run into him would help. I have ran into him no less than three times. Well once was I saw him at a table he was working and I went upto him and made small talk. He seemed totally uninterested, not even willing to feign it.

Okay, so he’s said he wants to be friends, when is that going to happen? I’m stuck here hurting and while I thought I’d patched it up pretty well, it just got ripped open seeing him here again. I’ve only chatted on IM with him in recent weeks, and that is a little more impersonal.

Perhaps it’s as Mois

I just got out of hearing Moisés Kaufman speak..

WOW!

He has reenergized me. Okay … I’m going to attempt not to go on and on, but I am enamored with the man. He is just amazing, he is extremely and amazingly wise, much beyond his years.

He’s a dreamer, I can tell that I know that. He stated that he finds hope in our eyes … How amazing…

I guess it’s a matter of perspective. He at one point stated that “things can be better” and now as he sees them, they are better — not all the way but somewhere near there. But then this generation, now we see things as being not very good. I guess I just have to be committed that the future can happen, and it can go very well. I’ve just gotta keep my head up and keep looking that way.

Okay.. One more thing, because I’m in the lunch room at OSU and I’m fricking hungry, so I gotta stop typing and get in line for food… Geez… He stated that theatre is at a spot in its art form where its doing the same thing it has done since the 1900s… We need, we must create and develop new forms. That means a lot of failure, and some success…

I’ve gotta figure out how to keep my head up through the failures… that is the most important thing I see as right now that I need to learn and learn better… Maybe I need to know as Micro$oft does, learn to kill my failures.

Okay, will someone please tell me why they think I have a tolerance for two plus hours of drag shows? I’m fricking bored, and it was fueling my headache, so I got up and left…. Sigh.. I’m hungry and well I’m stranded.. fun, fun, fun… maybe I’ll go eat… but then that means I’ll be eating alone, despite the fact that there are lots of people around.. Sigh, I need to make a friend… (sigh)…

Wonder where Shawn is….