Path to Enlightened Insanity

Okay, I just arrived at the Ohio Union where the confrence is being held. We were a little late so we ended up missing the first speaker and there isn’t anything scheduled for like an hour.. but leave it to me to find a terminal with an internet connection… heheheh … So. I’ve never seen so many young gay people in one spot.. its really fricking amazing!!! Okay… I’m here and I’m looking for one person, and one person only…. How sad is that?

God, as much as I try to convince myself I’m over Shawn the more I know I’m not.. Ehh… oh well… this should pass eventually…

I’m gonna start my journey to the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender and Ally College Conference. Enterprise is grabbing me in about 10 minutes so I’m off!

The things that I write and speak are large percolating masses of ideas, images, and lines that spin, swirl and ferment in my mind, until they feel an intense need to explode themselves in an uncontrollable urge into electrons, marks on paper, or compression waves in the atmosphere. The things that I write demand that they be written, I do not demand that I write them. (caveat, school papers)

Okay, someone is gonna ask me the question, you just wrote four, (now this is five) eJournal/PeJournal entries, why not just write one?

Because. They’re different subjects, and each should stand on their own. When I write a whopper of an entry, all of the thoughts are interrelated somehow, and I’m trying to work through them….

And for a better explanation: I’m the writer, thats why.

Okay, I’ve been thinking a lot about dating and I’ve come up with some ground rules I want to follow:

1. Getting overly gitty isn’t worth it, don’t go too far, and don’t not go far enough, it’s a tough balance, but talking about kids on the first date is probably a bad idea
2. No sleeping over at each others house for at least a month. (If necessary you may sleep in different beds/couches if the weather/lack of sleep demands.)
3. If your cell phone dies, take it as a message to stop talking to the person for the evening. (Exception, if you have crappy cell phone battery, you get an extra half hour of plugged in talk time per day.)
4. Picking someone up from the airport or stalking them to the airport when you’ve known them for less than a week is a bad idea.
5. If you can’t go a week without talking to this person, you’re not dating you’re infatuated. If this is a necessity in your life try a puppy.
6. Kissing. Closed mouth for a month only.
7. Showing and telling lots of people about the person your dating right off the bat is a bad idea, because you’ll have to endure explaining what happened to the relationship to lots of people.
8. When in doubt, a cold shower is the best thing. (A failing hot water heater will help with this.)
9. Jacking off is good, use it as a stop-break for yourself when overly horny.
10. If during the first month you’ve spent more time with the person asleep than awake, you are not dating, you’re just fuck buddies.
11. When in doubt, spend three weeks away from each other, if you still feel the same then you’ve got something.
12. Always be true and honest to the other person, except when you’re breaking up. When breaking up follow these points:
    • Don’t say anything to the person that you haven’t felt or thought for at least two days.
    • When in doubt write it down, place it under your bed for two days, if when you read it two days later its still valid, send it to him.
    • While it might feel good to throw or ship back everything out that is related to him, you’ll want it later, its much better to place it in a bag in the back of a closet.

13. Give things time, time, time, time, time and more time… The end of the world isn’t going to come soon, and if it does… (Well it does, you can’t do anything about it.) But back to the point. If its true love you’ve got the rest of your life together. If its not true love you’ve stretched out the good times.
14. When in doubt attempt to rationalize. Ignore the strong voice in your head stating that love isn’t rational. (it isn’t, but just ignore it anyways) If you can rationalize how you’re feeling, you’ve got something, if not try harder.
    • A suggestion while rationalizing: Cause yourself minor pain, pinch yourself, walk around with out enough clothes on outside during the winter, walk into a wall, etc.. etc… Then ask yourself, would you do that every day one a day for the person, if not your not in love.
15. Stop reading stupid advice columns and follow your heart.
16. Start reading stupid advice columns and follow your brain.
17. When in doubt, do what feels right for the future, but not what feels right for now.

While I’ven’t begun it in earnest, I did start my college search today. (sigh) What a pain in the rear this is going to be. Its a big decision and I really need to do my best to make sure this is the right one. Because this will be my fourth college…

So maybe the third time isn’t the charm?

I had my appointment with Jo, my counselor, today. She mentioned something interesting about the Death Tarot Card. I’ve never been into Tarot. (Not that I’ve shied away from it, but I’ve never really been interested in it.)

But now for a quote about the death card:

Dying has a way of making you concentrate on what’s important. This card reminds you to cut out the unnecessary. Death can also mean you will experience an inexorable force. Death is inevitable, and sometimes there are events that are inescapable as well. When these moments occur, the best approach is to ride your fate and see where it takes you.

i.e. Hop on the cow …errr horse and ride away.

Another way of looking at my troubles is that I’ve come definitely to the conclusion that Dayton isn’t the place for me. If I was an overly dramatic queen (okay I have my moments, but not usually) I would be screaming “I CAN’T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!” But I’m not literally, but I’ve realized that I can’t. I can’t do what I want to do in Dayton. I have a dream and I’ve attempted to paint it on the canvas but the paints that I have been provided just aren’t pliable in the ways I need them to be. So I feel secure in moving on and looking for some other batch of lemons to work with.

I feel a need to make an entry but I don’t know what to say. So lets restate some basics:

1. I’ve gotta do things for me.
2. Jenni is awesome.
3. William is a very cute baby.
4. Not sure if I’m over Shawn, but I want him back in my life in some form.
5. George W. Bush is a war monger and an idiot.
6. Losing your wallet sucks.
7. Having a counselor is a good thing, even if you don’t know what to say.
8. Procrastination is something that I do a helluva lot of, but should do less of.
9. While nice and dandy writing an eJournal entry instead of working out is still procrastinating on working out.

I need to go work out…

Okay, I cry to television and movies every once in a while. Every once in a RARE while. But never to Star Trek until now….

From Star Trek: Voyager "The Disease":

Captain Janeway: You’ve got 30 seconds before I have Tuvok drag you to sickbay.
Ensign Kim: Captain I am not sick! I didn’t disobey orders because I’m under some alien influence, I disobeyed your orders because Tal and I are in love, and its not right for you to keep us apart.
Janeway: You listen to yourself. You don’t sound anything like the Harry Kim I know.
Kim: Good I have served this ship for five years and said “yes ma’am” to every one of your orders but not this time.
Janeway: Your willing to risk your rank your career over this?
Kim: Have you ever been in love captain?
Janeway: Your point?
Kim: Did your skin ever flush when you were near another person? Did your stomach ever feel like someone hallowed it out with a knife when you were apart? Did your throat ever swell when you realized it over? Seven of Nine told me Seven of Nine told me loves like a disease, well maybe it is. Pheromones, endorphins, chemicals in our blood, changing our responses, physical discomfort, but anyway you look at its still love.
Janeway: For the sake of argument lets say your right, your feelings for Tal are no different than mine for … What? the man I was engaged to marry. Well I lost him and your going to lose Tal. You know that. What the Doctor is offering you is a way to ease the pain.
Kim: That man you were going to marry if you could’ve just taken a hypo-spray to make yourself stop loving him so that it didn’t hurt so much when you were away from him would you have done that?

(A disruption takes them away to the bridge.)

I know I wouldn’t have taken that hypo-spray.

I’ve also been reading Shawn’s eJournal. Despite the fact that I swore off him or so I thought, I never really stopped reading his eJournal. I’m still stuck hoping. I likely am going to see him this weekend at the 2003 Midwest BLGTA College Conference. I don’t want to scare him away. But I just read his entry Life has been odd lately…, and I’m stuck with the impression that I took advantage of someone who was down. I knew from almost the beginning that he had just lost his mother, but he seemed to be dealing with it pretty well, so I didn’t give it much thought. I felt that if he wanted to bring it up he would, and I had no right to pry. I’m just not sure if I’m a weed. (Sigh)

I know I wanna make a second try at this, I just do. But is it worth the pain a second time? Plus, it isn’t my decision. I know I cannot make this decision, I’ve decided my half of it, and I’m doing my best to leave the door open if he decides that he wants to be with me.

Its time for the journals to split up:

Since I’ve started this I’ve been playing the delicate debate of what belongs in here, and what doesn’t. I’ve previously said that I write this for me and me alone, but I’m also conscious of fact that this is public, and that a future employer, a school, parents, or someone might come across this. I’ve come to the point that I need to set up two other eJournals.

So I’m introducing:

• PeJournal – No, its got nothing to do with Physical Education. It stands for Private eJournal.
• WeJournal – I’ve not developed multiple personalities. This one is Writer’s eJournal, its a spot where I can put snippets that I find interesting in it, as well as work out stories and characters

Both of these are private and passworded for different reasons.

PeJournal is private because I don’t want everyone knowing about some of my private personal thoughts, but I feel a need to write about them.

WeJournal is private for copyright reasons (I may place copyrighted materials in there that I don’t own the copyright for) and commercial reasons, as to not wanting my creative ideas stolen.

If you’d like access to these let me know, by dropping me an email, with a preferred username and password. its more likely that you’ll get access to PeJournal than WeJournal.

Its gonna take a few days to start granting access because I need to develop a license or two to ensure that people understand how how they may use the eJournals.

The one exception is if your already bound by confidentiality and I’ll see you on Thursday, I’ve set you up an account. The user id is the user part of your WSU email address (the part before the @ sign) and the password is the state you did your undergrad work in.