Path to Enlightened Insanity

I’ve been on the receiving end of the “Just Friends” line recently, and as such i’ve done a lot of thinking about it.

In and of it self “Just Friends” isn’t a bad thing. Its all in the application.

In the simplest terms the person bringing “Just Friends” to the table, has an obligation to respect the other persons investment in the relationship then go about becoming a friend.

The person who is breaking up has the obligation that if they want to be friends to actually go about becoming friends in a timely manner, this can even mean, assisting them with the break up. Making sure they’re doing alright, and they’re adjusting to single-hood again. I’m not sure what activities would be best but some ideas:

• Phone calls, just say how you’re doing etc.
• Go out with a group of friends to reinforce non-dating
• Both go to a public place and check out guys together — if your really daring, phrase the time as a game of “fuckable” or “not-fuckable” and make sure that your friend doesn’t lower their standards too much
• Random time together that is less date like, i.e. shopping, group outings, etc…

Okay, not as many good ideas as I would like, but remember if your the person who is breaking up and you use the “Just Friends” line you’ve taken on the obligation of transitioning the relationship to being friends. The person who has been broken up with cannot do this transition because it appears as if they are still wanting to date, and they’re usually not sure what to do.

And finally, if your the one who broke up and you’re not gonna make the commitment to become friends, be honest and just say “I don’t want to go out with you anymore, sorry” because this way your not creating any false hopes.

Thats Nick’s Dating 101, and everyone should be laughing now because I’m horrible at dating, I’ll be the first one to admit it.

The last email sent to the Earth from the Space Shuttle Columbia by Laurel Clark:

I have seen some incredible sights: lightning spreading over the Pacific, the Aurora Australis lighting up the entire visible horizon with the cityglow of Australia below, the crescent moon setting over the limb of the Earth, the vast plains of Africa and the dunes on Cape Horn, rivers breaking through tall mountain passes, the scars of humanity, the continuous line of life extending from North America, through Central America and into South America, a crescent moon setting over the limb of our blue planet…. Whenever I do get to look out, it is glorious. Even the stars have a special brightness. — Friday, Jan. 31, 2003

I’ven’t been struck by the Shuttle disaster as much as I though I would or should be. I’ve always been interested in aviation and space, so I follow all of these things closely. I do think its horrendous that people did die, but I think that the astronauts knew there was a pretty conceivable risk that they wouldn’t be coming home in one piece.

While, my thoughts and feelings go out to the families, I also realize that we’ve just gotta move on with our lives. The astronauts should be commemorated for giving their lives to science, but also for being such astute and poetic observers of the world in which we live, and the space in which that world exists.

They are people who dared to dream, and devote a significant part of their lives towards making their dreams come true. They are people were daring enough to live their dreams and not follow what was laid out for them.

They are a testament to the human spirit, imagination, and dream.

I don’t deal well with being assertive.

I usually lapse into being aggressive, which serves me well at times in political arenas, but not well in relationships it appears.

I dunno.

First and foremost, I feel a need to flat out say why I write my eJournal. Its not for you, its not for my mother, its not for my counselor, its not for my close friends, its not for anyone, except for me. Period. This is a selfish endeavor that I use to get out my thoughts and put them out there to be read. I could be perfectly happy just writing this eJournal for myself, without ever having a reader. While I appreciate and carefully read all the comments, they are the icing on the cake.

I don’t plan these usually, lots of times I just sit down and type em out. Sometimes I’ve talked them into my cell phone’s memo feature, or I’ve even got a few that I’ve hand written to be typed in later. But all in all these are my thoughts at the time I post them. (I do my damnedest to keep the posting date/time when the entry was created.) Like anyone I go through moods, and sometimes when I get angry it gets pushed and slathered on here.

But this is a new and tricky thing for me, and I don’t often write these towards other people (there are a few exceptions, but they’re obvious) So I may ignite something. If its inflammatory I’ll usually leave that person’s name out, unless it would otherwise be public.

Okay. So I’ve spent the last few paragraphs explaining what this thing is.

But I’ve been tearing someone up, and that isn’t right. I would never say these things to the person’s face, although I would say them to a friend while I was processing my thoughts.

So to that person, I am sorry, I am hurting deeply, and I’m just lashing out into my journal. I only want the best for you; I mean that with all sincerity, but I also have to do what is best for me, and dwelling on my emotions is not good. I need to get them out, so this is one of many ways in which I do it. Do I want to be friends with you? Yes. I really do, but I need help, and I’ve felt like I’ve been cast aside to figure out how to do this myself, and I can’t do it on my own. I have no idea where to start.

This as public as I want to be with this. IM, email or call me. Please.

A BTW: Sean mentioned in the Chasing Amy entry, is a Wright State computer science friend of mine.

I’ve come up with a sure fire way to determine who your friends are:

Piss off a lot of people in a big public way.

Something that doesn’t attack them directly, but attacks one thing about something they’re associated with.

Unfortunately I’ve discovered those people who I thought were friends are conditional friends — i.e. friends when it suits them, but if it doesn’t watch them backoff.

Now even if they criticize you but don’t back off they’re true friends.

I’ve gotta be more careful who I call a friend.

And to the nameless person mentioned in previous entries, no I didn’t write this about you.

In the past few entries I’ve been referring to someone who I dated.

I have done this person the service of not mentioning his name, but instead only mentioned him by reference to provide way in which to define and latch on my feelings.

He has placed a large commentary in his blog, and I removed the trackback pings, as to afford him his privacy.

In case anyone missed it I’ve been hurting a whole lot lately, and my life went from peachy keen, to pretty much in shambles, and I’ve been trying to grasp onto something that I think can be fixed or tried again.

In my direct communication with the aforementioned person, that has been my theme, lets try again, because I wasn’t done, and I’m not convinced.

I’ve done my best to remove the aforementioned person from my life, and place him in the box of January that he exists in, because I cannot deal with letting those feelings rule my life, and I cannot stop them, so they must be boxed and removed.

To that person I have no desire to fight with you or to bitch slap you. I do have a desire to rid myself of my hurtful emotions, and for better or worse, this eJournal is the place.

This is the last time I will say it:

All I want is to try again.

I hate to say it, but I’m like my mother. If the past isn’t just peachy, I want it out of the way. So.. UPS package 1Z 61Y 8A5 37 1000 001 9 is that past that I need to get rid of. Its sitting in a drop box right now, but expect to see it picked up on Monday, and then stay tuned for where it goes…

“Just Friends” that is the title of an upcoming movie. Its also an incredibly popular way of ending a relationship.

Why? Well because if it isn’t mutual or its shoved down the other persons throat, its a way of sparing the person who had to say “just friends” a lot of guilt and pain because this way they’re just “rephrasing” the relationship, and saying “I don’t like you enough to call you my boyfriend, but I don’t want to hurt you by telling you to get the hell out of my world.”

Well, guess what, I think “Just Friends” is fucking cruel. Because it doesn’t fully and fairly deal with the other person. It gives them the hope and dreams that “we’ll go through ‘just friends’ for a while and then we’ll be back together.” Why don’t people just really say what they mean. Instead of saying “just friends” say “I don’t want to date you, I don’t feel that way for you, and if you’d like audition to be one of my friends, and take a big fucking step down on my priority scale, so far down that you’ll never see me again.”

Bitter? Me? You bet.

Some things are just futile.

Like convincing your ex to give you another try, or just go back and see if we can make it work again. Dammit, he’s so set where he is, stuck in his dogma that he wont move and explore and try to make it work, and see where it didn’t work.

Fucking men.

Chasing Amy Probably the best movie I know.

I just rewatched the scene where the title from the movie comes from. Except it doesn’t fit me, and I want to graft it onto someone else. I want them full heartily to believe what Silent Bob says.

But just yesterday I pushed him out, I told him that I wouldn’t be contacting him anymore. I gave the few printed pictures I had of him to a friend to hold, because I didn’t want to see it. I took the link to his blog off my eJournal page.

I talked with Sean last night. and one thing I know that part of my personality requires, demands and needs to have someone who i place at the top above myself, and that he places me at the top above himself. This is so fundamentally a part of myself, that i honestly do not feel whole unless that person is there.

When I’m single I’m half a being, never fully complete. The greeks make the most sense. They believed that people were beings with four hands, four feet, two faces and two of everything, essentially two humans fused into one being, but they pissed off the gods, and were separated, and condemned to search for their other half.

What i think is most painful is not not finding your other half but finding who you think your other half is, and then losing them, because of your stupidity or a misstep.

But I found myself bound by a promise. One I made to someone I’ve never met that I never will met that I intend to keep. That is to put the interests of the person who I think is my other half above those of my own.

To that person, I will leave you alone because I cannot make that transition towards being friends, but I will be here, willing and wanting to give you all the time in the world until you feel comfortable and I promise not to chase you away, only if you will let me back in, because I don’t want to spend every day Chasing Amy.

Dreaming is the curse I’ve been given.

Sort of like cassandra I can dream, but I cannot get anyone to believe in my dreams. Its such a painful position to be in.

If only I could get one of my big dreams, things would be better. Yes I’m stuck with coming up with so many dreams unfulfilled.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore–
and then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

It explodes.