Path to Enlightened Insanity

I just finished writing my resignation letter for Lambda Union. It stinks a big heaping pile of cow shit that I felt I had no other healthy option but to do this. It needs some revision, but its getting near walking the fine line that it needs to walk.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I feel like starting another organization, but that is so much work, and it would look like I’m competing with Lambda on any count.

I feel a big empty rock somewhere inside of me. there is still much to get the ends wrapped up, but its done.. pretty much done.

Stoicism… Just got off the phone talking with Shawn … and I need to move on … mmm .. he started moving on … and we’ve had a wonderful three weeks together … its such a great gift just thinking about ummm those three weeks were or four weeks however long I’ll count them out at some point … uhh … its amazing when I think about them how great I feel … and how wonderful it is just to be able to put myself back in that state … (exhale) the euphoria the fun of that … (exhale) always easier to … usually its easier to look at the glass being half empty but the thing is right now I’m really looking and the glass is really half full … its more than half full … its all the way full … (exhale) … I just hope that uhh … I get to experience what I experienced with Shawn again and … Shawn gets to experience what I felt again …

(My mobile phone ran out of memory, so it just stopped recording… but I was about done anyway)

I just like to flaunt it, but I just filed my taxes.. The earliest I’ve done it ever… Whoo hoo! Okay so much for small victories… but it did it for free online at TurboTax Tax Freedom Project but its all good.. Albeit I’m not getting enough money back… Donations accepted via PayPal, or if its large enough I’ll take a check… ;-)

I’ve been studying Stocism in my philosophy of desire course. Its easy to say but hard to apply. This week has been rough and tumble, classes haven’t been good, car needs $2,500 worth of repairs, I’m no longer wanted in Lambda Union by the President, and Shawn and I are “just friends”.

But I’m here and living through it, thanks to anti-depressants and Kevin.

Good things: less responsibilty, less stress, and a whole lotta Nick time.

I went to work today to do something, too bad I don’t have a job that is more engaging, I’ve had too much time to think.

Copying Jordan a bit..
The song of the day is

Billy Joel’s And So It Goes

I spent an hour with Kevin today in the editing room with sadboy ohio, the film that I worked on with him at the beginning of August. It rough and very good now, with the polishings it should be awesome.

One of my notes to him was to add half a second to a scene, which through the magic of the AVID digital editing system he was able to do with no trouble, and it was much better for it.

It made me wonder how half second timing in our daily lives would make a difference. I’m sitting in the Hangar, one of WSU’s wonderful (yeah right) eating facilities, where a little over a year ago, I was in a hurry and kicked out the glass in the door. It was spectacular! I didn’t have any responsibility because the cleaning lady handed me a story that absolved me of guilt, and she saw what happened better than me…. But right there a half a second would’ve spared me the embarrassment and the shower of shattered glass.

For better or worse I’m thinking of Run Lola Run a really cool german film. But we get three different versions of how everything plays out. Makes you wonder how the different choices you make in life affect things. Another good piece of art in that espouses how our choices and timing can effect things is Star Trek: The Next Generation "Parallels" where Worf bounces around different parallel universes and things are a bit different.

Ehh, so choices are important, and we never will know what could be, except in our imagination.

Time to go take a marketing test.. yeah!

One of the thing you find out when you attempt to write anything with precision, is that the English language is amazingly limited and imprecise when attempting to describe feelings, among other things. For the record Greek has three words for love they are:

• Agape – to love others in a social or moral sense: This is an act of the will, an active choice–the highest form of love meaning that it is unconditional
• Philos – a brotherly love: Affection, emotionally based
• Eros – Sexual love–from which comes the word erotic

Still seems to be incredibly limiting. Thus this is what poetry is for… too bad I don’t seem to enjoy writing it.

In other language considerations, an observation I’ve made is how negative words in the language (sucks, fucked, dicked, screwed, asshole, "remove the stick up your ass", etc) have sexual connotations, and even more specifically have positive connotations for gay men.

Of course, there is the connotations of "straight" meaning directly forward, correct, or error free. Of course this implicitly states that by not being heterosexual, you are backward, incorrect, and full of errors. Yea! Isn’t language fun? Its amazing how its so implicitly used to oppress people, and this is just a small beginning I guess.

But its time to get naked and get a shower and get to class..

Tommy just sent me this email today… its seemed appropriate:

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two . Some people should read more carefully than others!!

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don’t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There’s always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Its sad that I feel a need to put this in my eJournal, but some people can get temperamental. So here it is:

Everything that is said in here, are my thoughts (except where noted) and is copyrighted by me, don’t steal it, ask me please! Please be aware that I get philosophical, whimsical, pissy, or sometimes even downright rude in here. These are my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Oh and I feel justified in calling myself philosophical.. A professor answered the question "Am I any good at this Philosophy stuff?" by saying

"Are you good enough to do philosophy? Well, yes, you have the two most important characteristics, intelligence and a capacity for independent thought. You are remarkably open minded, for someone in your generation. You are willing to reflect on your own views and are open to the possibility that they might be wrong. You are a searcher. These are rare characteristics, and you have them. You are already doing philosophy. It is up to you to determine how far you want to take your investigations."

I’m not sure what this is going to turn into (planning what a journal is going to be is like attempting to decide what a kid is going to grow up to be when he is conceived, its just a futile effort with lots of dreaming, and not much realization.) but under any circumstances, if you show up in here, be honored either way, I care enough about you to be thinking deeply about you.

I just spent an hour talking with a dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless. He is someone who has been around at WSU for quite a while, starting out here as a student, and now working here.

He is someone who deeply believes in true romantic love that will last between two men for an incredible period of time.

He doesn’t date anymore.

This has always been a very mysterious thing to me. He is a wonderfully adjusted person, professional, and has a great personality.

I asked him why he didn’t date anymore, and he laid bare a part of his soul to me. It was an amazing gesture to me and something that I am extremely grateful for him having done.

He told me about a short but wonderful relationship he had with someone who then had to move away. He loved him enough that it hurt him, but not enough to ask him to stay.

He cried for two weeks after that.

He’s tried dating after that , but he doesn’t anymore.

Love is an amazingly powerful thing.

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He is now committed, or content with being alone, and single. He no longer sees himself within the next 1, 5, or 10 years falling in love with a man who loves and cares for him with every fiber of his being.

His favorite poem (from his website) is:

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again
I shall not live in vain

by Emily Dickinson

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I was about ready to cry then, and I’m about ready to cry now. I’m not someone who cries often in response to stories, but this is the simplest told story that has brought me to tears.

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I’m stuck contrasting this with Shawn’s and my relationship. And questioning exactly why he won’t let me say that I love him. Strangely enough it took Jenni and I nine year to get to the point of saying "I love you". Both relationships feel the same, just Shawn and I lack shared experiences to reminice about, but I feel the same for Shawn as I do for Jenni.

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I know I will fustrate Shawn by saying this, and that a relationship that is only three weeks old should not evoke this level of committment and emotion from me, but I do love Shawn, and even when we must part (as we will be forced to either by choice, or by death) that I will still love him, and cherish the time that I have been allowed to have with him.

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The word love sounds petty and taudry, and I know that at times it is fleeting.

What a crazy concept this love thing is. It is so deeply personal, and customized, that it only has meaning between two people who have discussed, philosophized and dreamed about what it means. I honestly am not sure what it means between me and Shawn, but I know what it means between me and Jenni, and me and my family.

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My friend and I also talked about men who seek sex in the bathroom and random encounters. As someone who has experienced random loveless sex, and sex filled with love the two are incompariable. You cannot satisfy the need for the latter by doing the former. And damn society and those who have blocked, have attempted to block, and will continue to attempt to block gay men seeking the latter, but then critize us when they unfortunatly have to engage in the former.

I feel robbed and screwed and otherwise violated by society that I had to go through the former in search of the latter. Sex never should happen without love, there is no point in it. I never want anyone else to have to go through the need to reafffirm that they are normal and natural that I and millions of other gay people have had to do. This is why I am involved with Lambda, as much as its fun to piss of the conservatives, and do everything else with Lambda, I never want another gay teenager to have to be told that they are normal, and natural. I want that to be a non-issue, so they are free to date, seek love, and go to the prom with the man of their teenage dreams.

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This all feels so weighty and forceful brought on by my conversation with my friend, but I feel justified in saying this. I think much of what I’ve said is a philosophy that I’ve really developed over the past several years.

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Got your take? Leave me a comment…..