Path to Enlightened Insanity

Its been one of those odd nights.

There are a bunch of decisions I made back during 2002 and 2003 that I still think are good ones, but they haunt me because I wish other people also would adopt them. These aren’t small yes or no decisions, but broad decisions about how I want to live my life.

The one that is particularly haunting me is that I decided to very firmly believe that I am the only person who controls my emotions and attitudes. This is not to say that I’m not influenced by others. For example, when someone pisses me off, I of course credit them for instigating the state of being pissed off, but I also recognize that I have allowed myself to be pissed off by their actions. The emotion is mine and mine alone. Attached to this is that I do my damnedest to keep a balance equilibrium. Meaning that I might’ve had a day where I was pushed and battered by all sorts of instigators during the day, but for the most part I kept my cool, and by the end of the day I’m back to my equilibrium.

Similarly when I make a stupid decision I make a point to own that decision and the consequences of it.

My problem is that one of my friends that I hang out with a bunch doesn’t subscribe to the balanced equilibrium theory. His moods last for weeks, during which he’s not fun or even interesting to be around. I’m at the point where I’m just not going to spend any time with him, it just isn’t worth my time. I understand the concept of being there to support someone, but it doesn’t feel like I’m even doing that.

Adding fuel to my current confusion is that I’ve had someone who has re-entered my life from my seminal 2002 and 2003 period. The ironic thing is that during the time I was with him I exhibited the antithesis of being in control of my emotions and attitudes.

Topping all this off, I’ve been struggling with wanting to add something onto my plate. I feel a wee-bit unfulfilled. I’m missing some combination of musical vocal performance, theatrical work, or community service. All those activities have at one time or another played a huge role in my life and I found them incredibly rewarding. Although now they play virtually no role in my life.

The problem here is that I am already busy, and I’ve been burnt on all three of them at one time or another. Unsurprisingly mostly of the roasting occurred during the 2002 and 2003 period.

My echoes are finding me. Time, decisions and emotions ripple through my fabric, disorienting me, forcing me to choose what I want to hold onto.

I vacuumed today.

I’m looking at the canister from my bagless vacuum and I’m disturbed its half full. I mean its got this really nice layered look that reminds me of those expensive sand and oil things that people get to “meditate.”

Its just a bit frustrating that I’ve waited long enough to get a half full canister. I don’t have a big apartment so there has been a bunch of dust collecting at the bottom….

Next up, Tales from The Toilet: The Deep Adventure!

I’ve been vamping lately. Getting the things that need to be done, done. My bike and car are both fixed. My dishes are (mostly) clean. I finally made that Banana Bread.

I’m a bit annoyed by where the Catholic Church has gone. To quote a co-worker, “Why does everything have to be so fucking conservative?” I read (among other articles) two at the New York Times, on Pope Benedict XVI. One right after his papacy was announced, and another looking at his history.

I can tell you right off he’s not a fan of Nietzsche. This has kept me pondering why its such a necessary condition that people believe in something, or anything? I see metaphysics/epistemology as a way to agree on givens to structure a view of the world upon. They in and of themselves don’t matter, they’re just a methodology to ensure that Philosophy is somehow logically sound. I need to read more Buddhism, but I’m going to start with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintence. Not quite Buddism, but I’m told its a good read, perhaps it will allow me to reinforce that moral relativism that every damn conservative is so worried about.

I’m surprised that in some way I’m sorry Pope John Paul II died. I’m not catholic, the closest I’ve ever got to there was that I was raised in a protestant church. For those of you who just said same difference, they’re not the same. Comparing a catholic and a protestant is like comparing a New Yorker and a Midwesterner. They both look up (or down as the case may be.) to the same government, media, etc. But really its a miracle Kansas and New York City are in the same country, let alone the same continent.

But one of the senses of loss is from knowing that we’ve lost a man who understood the nuances and downsides to both communism and capitalism. John Paul is credited with assisting with the downfall of communism. But, he also preached against excessive materialism.

I bought an iPod mini two Sundays ago. I felt, and to a lesser extent feel guilty for buying it. Why? Its not something I can justify as a necessity. Its a thing, a good, a slip into the trap of materialism.

I wonder if those who own huge mansions.. err houses are in general happy? (From a statistics standpoint they’re no happier than the next man.) See the thing is I’ve been there. I used to live in a $200,000 house (in the midwest) and quite frankly as a whole we were miserable.

I often wonder what people who make $43,000, $60,000 or $100,000 or $200,000 a year do with all that money? Its one thing if you’re raising kids and saving for retirement. But I’m convinced that I would do fine making $30-35k. I’m making about $25,000 a year and with the exception of some hefty debt payments (left over from when I spent more than I earned.) I’m really doing quite well.

What I worry about is that materialism leads to a sense of entitlement, i.e. “I earned the money to buy it, so its my right to buy it.” Related to this is “My job is worth this much to the company so I’m entitled to make at least that much.” This whole line of reasoning denies the interdependence that we all share. Its nearly impossible today to be purely independent. Every profession relies upon other professions and each of us is ultimately dependent on one and other. Additionally by being purely money driven you deny other benefits not to mention that a job well done should be its own reward.

Back to the Pope. I’d love to believe that perfect communism would work. Unfortunately communism fails to account for the varied intents of people. Capitalism leads to materialism and ultimately greed. (e.g. Worldcom, Enron — Both of these companies could have been perfectly ethical, profitable ventures, instead unchecked greed led to massive fraud and ultimately collapse.)

What does this mean for an individual? Simple, there are more things to the word than money and greed (while it sometimes can be a positive motivator) ultimately greed has costs that outweigh any money that you could earn.

Now time to go home and practice some discardia

I’m always disturbed how my synapses work.

Specifically there are songs, locations, and things that can instantly remind me of painful fustrating annoying memories.

I’d like to be able to enjoy these

First off, Kudos to Marshall.

I’ve been rethinking Origin Ruminations 2.

I’m convinced now that it is crap.

I’m not going to pull back from Origin Ruminations. While Two is about positing why a First cause exists, One is about just finding somewhere to place the world upon.

How’d I get here? I read my philosophy professor’s paper arguing for a first cause. I began to realize that the people who will argue for a First cause, often honestly don’t give a rats ass about developing a secular framework on which to rest the the world, but instead are taking the backdoor to proving a god.

I’ve been redebating some of these ideas. My understanding of the Buddhist tradition is that there is no need for such constructs. To quote Marshal: “universe a single, unified, conscious, eternal, super-material entity.”

But the other question is can reality be a loop? This would remove the need for a first cause and remove the need to speculate that the universe is infinitely existing and somehow attempt to justify that. I’ven’t thought more on how this would work, but it definitely is an idea that I’ven’t seen explored, but I might delve into it more.

• I’m amazed at how intimate my cats are. I’m pretty sure i’ve never met two who allow another cat to cleanse them nearly everywhere. I relish watching them, deconstructing who they are and how they act.
• I love William Finn’s music. The song “I Never Wanted to Love You” from March of the Falsettos (Amazon.com|iTMS) never fails to at least get me emotional, not bringing me to tears. I remember the first time I saw Falsettos (a combination of March of the Falsettos and Falsettoland), I was working on another show and we slipped in to see the dress rehearsal, as both shows would be running at the same time. The show brought me to tears, one of only a handful to ever do that.
• While I’m at it another song by William Finn that I adore – “Hitchhiking Across America.” (Amazon|iTMS) Its a musical contained in one song. As good as if not better than one of Billy Joel’s wonderful story telling tales.
• I despise how I feel when I listen to “I Never Wanted to Love You.”
• I’m utterly frustrated that I simultaneously want to Love someone but I also Never wanted to have Love him. I horribly want closure. How the hell do I get closure on this? It didn’t help that I ran into him three weeks ago or so. I don’t know. I’m half tempted to email this to him, but thats not fair.
• I’ve debated writing letters to him, addressing them with his name and one of the three cities we spent most of our time in. I find something about this approach more appealing than just writing the letter and burning it or saving it. I want to send these out. Give them somewhere to travel. (Albeit it won’t get far.)
• I want to make banana bread.
• I am encouraged that people find what I’ve written to be inspiring, or whatnot.
• I’m discouraged that in 2004, 4.9 million people were newly infected with HIV
• I’m angered that we live in a society that pushes so many gay men to start using Crystal Meth.
• I’m encouraged that we gay men have begun to address the problem.
• People who have come out are strong enough to avoid Crystal Meth. (Those of you who are saying, “What effort?” and whose coming outs were like birth, (i.e. painful for your mother, but more or less just a new experience for you) need not apply.)
• I need to do something to better the world around me.

I need to write here more.

I need to cook more.

I need to balance all this dang stuff more.

I need to make sure that work doesn’t dominate my life.

I miss sitting on the back porch. My Great Grandma Henson and I would always sit on the back porch after dinner. She would smoke a cigarette and I would sit with her enjoying the weather and watching the cars go past the mall parking lot directly ahead.

We would sit on the back porch and talk and bridge the almost eighty years that separated us.

I miss Grandma Henson. She was a woman whose wisdom I didn’t have the capacity to appreciate at my young age, and whose wisdom I desperately seek.

How do you go on for eighty years and find the strength of convictions to become the pillar bridging the rent in a family?

Where does the unmatched energy and grace come from when you’re matching the unbridled energy of a seven year old?

Where do you find the strength to outlive your husband and son, yet still mow your own lawn at the age of 75?

I miss sitting on the back porch. I miss my grandmother.

I’m fucking pissed at myself.

I’m on the bus on my way home. Class got out early and I waited at the bus stop for about 10 minutes. Its one of those mellow cool nights, windless, not too cold that I need a coat, not to warm that I feel warm. So I relished the limbo.

Within limbo I delivered a monologue which I will hold unshared with me, my own selfish gift and albatross.

I’m frustrated when I walk the halls and walkways of NKU I’m constantly on the look out for W (Screw it, anyone who would research this, or knows me, knows I’m talking about Shawn.) I’m fucking pissed at myself for this behavior. Its horribly unproductive if not self destructive.

I don’t know what Shawn represents to me. In some ways, my nearly eyeblink relationship with him functions as a demarcation point. In some ways I can ascribe a Before Shawn Era and an After Shawn Era. Its not that he actually caused anything directly its just during the same few months, I had the intestines along with the shit beaten out of me, in more than one way. Our interactions just have the clearest hurt, and therefore allow me to ultimately tag so many unrelated disappointments onto them.

I’m fucking pissed at myself that I don’t have a vision of where I’m going – the possibilities are there – a “grand” career moving fruit, a producer of short money losing movies, the group member that gets the class moving, someone who gets other people’s visions done.

I have to accept this — I facilitate. I can get the job of getting people all accomplishing someone else’s vision done.

I’m absolutely denying reality if I think I can get my own visions done. Hell, I get a hair cut three weeks late, do laundry when I’m wearing clothes for the fourth time, and wash the dishes only after the stench is noticeable. This website hasn’t been upgraded despite the vision and the plan to do it – of course its my vision – not someone else’s.

Okay, I know I’m exhausted. I’m on about five hours of sleep and I’ve had a rough day at work, followed by a class with a professor I disagree with more and more.

But, in many ways I know I’m more honest with myself when I no longer have the energy to maintain my facades for my own benefit.

In case you missed it:

I’m fucking pissed at myself.